‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
When they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.
To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.
So... half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
Joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts... why, he’d never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales... while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone might get hurt,
Besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passť,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
But you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... even you!
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - H L Mencken
A correct answer is like an affectionate kiss. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them. - Moliere
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. - Elbert Hubbard
See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. - Pope John XXIII
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
The greatest threat to freedom is the absence of criticism. - Wole Soyinka
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. - Steven Wright
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. - Laurence J. Peter
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding. - Mohandas K. Gandhi
The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates. - Oscar Wilde
Sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise. - Mary Kay Ash
Needless to say, the president is correct. Whatever it was he said. - Donald Rumsfeld
In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest. - Aesop
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. - Orlando A. Battista
I know how to make decisions and stand up to the criticism every day. - Michael Bloomberg
The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. - Red Auerbach
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. - Aristotle
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
Do not correct a fool or he will hate you. Correct a wise man and he will appreciate you. - Unknown
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
Architecture is the learned game, correct and magnificent, of forms assembled in the light. - Le Corbusier
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one. - John Wooden
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put
the batteries. - Milton Berle
Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you. - Zig Ziglar
When we criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical. - Richard Carlson
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention, largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves. - Bertrand Russell
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