‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
When they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.
To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.
So... half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
Joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts... why, he’d never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales... while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone might get hurt,
Besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passť,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
But you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... even you!
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
A correct answer is like an affectionate kiss. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. - Unknown
People ask for criticism, but they only want praise. - W Somerset Maugham
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. - Elbert Hubbard
How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. - Benjamin Disraeli
See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. - Pope John XXIII
The greatest threat to freedom is the absence of criticism. - Wole Soyinka
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. - Steven Wright
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. - Laurence J. Peter
I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates. - Oscar Wilde
Sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise. - Mary Kay Ash
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. - Orlando A. Battista
The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. - Red Auerbach
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it. - Epictetus
A smile in giving honest criticism can make the difference between resentment and reform. - Philip Steinmetz
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one. - John Wooden
Those who spend their time looking for the faults in others usually make no time to correct their own. - Art Jonak
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor
Music drives you. It wakes you up, it gets you pumping. And, at the end of the day, the correct tune will chill you down. - Dimebag Darrell
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Niels Bohr
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. - Herodotus
Doing and saying the right thing are not sufficient. Doing the right thing in the right way and with the person's comfort in mind is critical. - Ravi Zacharias
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