Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

Marzipan Santa with chocolate reindeer

When Fannie May candles sneaked past my lips


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear

“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!


QuotaBills
Reform: To gain or lose weight - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. - Unknown

Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers

The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown

There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley

I've probably tried every fad diet in the world. - Jenna Ushkowitz

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. - The Devil Wears Prada

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown

The first couple of days on the detox diet aren't pleasant. - Carol Vorderman

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child

Every single diet I ever fell off of was because of potatoes and gravy of some sort. - Dolly Parton

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis

I grew up on a steady diet of science fiction, especially apocalyptic and postapocalyptic fiction. - Justin Cronin

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. - Alexander Pope

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown

If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see the pounds come off. - Misty May-Treanor

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

Calories: 1. Weight lifters; 2. Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

In Japan, animation is a big part of your media diet. I moved out to Los Angeles at 9, and when I got homesick, I would watch anime. - Hiro Murai

My daily diet consists of basically anything I think looks tasty, whether that's pizza, sushi, burgers, quesadillas. I like everything. - Cameron Dallas

New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn't catch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock


see also   Christmas  &   Diet  Sections
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Redneck Night Before Christmas
Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas
Star Wars Christmas
Texas Night Before Christmas
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23-Sep-2021