‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright
Happiness is equilibrium. Shift your weight. - Tom Stoppard
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown
There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley
I've probably tried every fad diet in the world. - Jenna Ushkowitz
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown
The first couple of days on the detox diet aren't pleasant. - Carol Vorderman
I don't diet, I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. - Linda Evangelista
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish. - Carrie Underwood
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
On behalf of every man looking out for every girl, you are the God and weight of her world. - John Mayer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West
Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place. - Sarah Dessen
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight. - Josh Billings
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr
I'm off the diet, but not the treadmill. I speak as someone who's attempted to lose weight and get fit thrice before in my life. - Ronnie Screwvala
My daily diet consists of basically anything I think looks tasty, whether that's pizza, sushi, burgers, quesadillas. I like everything. - Cameron Dallas
Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn't catch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I cook croquetas, and I eat jamon. I keep my diet 100% Mediterranean and drink my Rioja. In that sense, I have a piece of Spain in West Hollywood. - Paz Vega
Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso
see also Christmas & Diet Sections
Aussie Night Before Christmas
Aviator’s Night Before Christmas
Biker’s Night Before Christmas
Bronx Night Before Christmas
Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas
Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
Hanukkah Night Before Christmas
Italian Night Before Christmas
Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas
Legal Speak Night Before Christmas
Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas
Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
Redneck Night Before Christmas
Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas
Star Wars Christmas
Texas Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
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19-May-2022 |