‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!
A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. - Unknown
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown
There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley
I've probably tried every fad diet in the world. - Jenna Ushkowitz
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd
I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. - The Devil Wears Prada
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown
The first couple of days on the detox diet aren't pleasant. - Carol Vorderman
Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert
My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger
No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides
The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child
Every single diet I ever fell off of was because of potatoes and gravy of some sort. - Dolly Parton
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis
I grew up on a steady diet of science fiction, especially apocalyptic and postapocalyptic fiction. - Justin Cronin
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike
What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. - Alexander Pope
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown
If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see the pounds come off. - Misty May-Treanor
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
Calories: 1. Weight lifters; 2. Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
In Japan, animation is a big part of your media diet. I moved out to Los Angeles at 9, and when I got homesick, I would watch anime. - Hiro Murai
My daily diet consists of basically anything I think looks tasty, whether that's pizza, sushi, burgers, quesadillas. I like everything. - Cameron Dallas
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn't catch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock
see also Christmas & Diet Sections
Aussie Night Before Christmas
Aviator’s Night Before Christmas
Biker’s Night Before Christmas
Bronx Night Before Christmas
Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas
Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
Hanukkah Night Before Christmas
Italian Night Before Christmas
Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas
Legal Speak Night Before Christmas
Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas
Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
Redneck Night Before Christmas
Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas
Star Wars Christmas
Texas Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
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23-Sep-2021 |