Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips; Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps; When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter - I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash; The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below; When what to my wandering eyes should appear - A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick; The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer... I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear “On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” - A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox; From the top of the scales to the top of the hall, Now dash away pounds - now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, My clothes were all bulging from too much excess; My droll little mouth and my round little belly, They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk… And laying a finger beside my heartburn - I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry, If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by… And I mumbled again as I turned for the night, In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite! QuotaBills The dieting wars have got to stop. - Lady Gaga Life is too short to be on a diet. - Taylor J Reid Mine is the least fat diet in the world. - Pierre Dukan Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown I've probably tried every fad diet in the world. - Jenna Ushkowitz I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck Envy and greed starve on a healthy diet of thanksgiving. - Billy Graham I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan The first couple of days on the detox diet aren't pleasant. - Carol Vorderman Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments. - Bethenny Frankel One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown On behalf of every man looking out for every girl, you are the God and weight of her world. - John Mayer Juicing isn't about binging and cleansing; I try to incorporate it into a balanced diet. - Eddie Huang I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place. - Sarah Dessen If I go on a diet and work out, I'm always in a bad mood. I'd rather be a little heavier but nice. - Salma Hayek Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. - Alexander Pope I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis Dieting is not a sprint, it's a marathon. If you celebrate the small victories, you will eventually win the war. - Ian K Smith The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight. - Theodore Roosevelt A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see the pounds come off. - Misty May-Treanor In Japan, animation is a big part of your media diet. I moved out to Los Angeles at 9, and when I got homesick, I would watch anime. - Hiro Murai see also   Christmas  &   Diet  Sections Aussie Night Before Christmas Aviator’s Night Before Christmas Biker’s Night Before Christmas Bronx Night Before Christmas Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas Ghetto Night Before Christmas Hanukkah Night Before Christmas Italian Night Before Christmas Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas Legal Speak Night Before Christmas Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas Politically Correct Night Before Christmas Redneck Night Before Christmas Scientist’s Night Before Christmas Spanish Night Before Christmas Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas Star Wars Christmas Texas Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas   Hair Do Hairstyle Of The Year Frozen Fish Meal Horse Hair Best Hands-On Coverage Pressing Art Mask Alternatives Watch Out For Deer! 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15-Apr-2021