I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves.
I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve
such generosity – three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist,
you’ve been too kind.
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but
don’t you think enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings… one for every
finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps.
So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.
What’s with you and those frigging birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of joe-k
is this? There’s bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the
racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop
with those blasted birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the world am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they
had to bring their own darned cows. There is crap all over the lawn and I can’t
move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smart guy.
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And boy do they
play - they’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those
screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition
to evict me.
You’ll get yours…
Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call them ladies - they’ve
been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep
and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn’t be
condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
eyeing the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead - they’ve been trampled to death.
I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have
seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Gwen McCallister. The destruction, of
course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you
should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find
attached warrant for you arrest.
Badger, Pester and Billem
Federal Criminal Defense Attorneys
Christmas & Relationship Sections
The Working Man
North of Somewhere
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