12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Marry money. - Max Shulman

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

Virtue has never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain

A TV licence is a licence to print money. - Roy Thomson

Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. - Ted Turner

I find all this money a considerable burden. - J Paul Getty

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. - Steve Martin

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. - WC Fields

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis

Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing. - Betty Smith

When it is a matter of money, all men are of the same religion. - Voltaire

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

The key to making money in stocks is not to get scared out of them. - Peter Lynch

A liberal is a man who is willing to spend somebody else's money. - Carter Glass

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. - Peter deVries

How much money does it take to make a man happy? Just one more dollar. - John D Rockefeller

I can remember way back when a liberal was generous with his own money. - Will Rogers

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that's poverty. - Joe E Lewis

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers

With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome - and you sing well too. - Yiddish Proverb

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. - H L Mencken

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

The fact remains that most of us are anesthetized to the true cost and true value of long term care insurance. - Michael Burgess

No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. - Corra May Harris

To an entrepreneur, closing a financing often feels like the end of a marathon. It's actually the starting gun. - Andy Dunn

Success isn't measured by money or power or social rank. Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. - Mike Ditka

We so often achieve success or financial independence after the chief reason for which we sought it has passed away. - Ellen Glasgow

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers

We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

There are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny - have you ever tried to buy them without money? - Ogden Nash

The politicians in Washington are spending trillions of dollars of our money. When are Americans going to stand up and say enough is enough? - Joe Wurzelbacher

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't need to advertise it. - Will Rogers

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. - Ambrose Bierce


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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08-Mar-2021