12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Every cloud has a silver lining. - Proverb

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

Sliver Dollar: Use of wooden money - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

He buries gold who hides the truth. - Pythagoras

A fool and her money are soon courted. - Helen Rowland

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. - Unknown

Education costs money. But then so does ignorance. - Claus Moser

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves. - Sean O Casey

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. - Kathleen Norris

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. - Henny Youngman

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. - Steven Wright

Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. - Alexandre Dumas

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? - Homer Simpson

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that's poverty. - Joe E Lewis

Who recalls when folks got along without something if it cost too much? - Kin Hubbard

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

Time is money, especially when you're talking to a lawyer or an accountant. - Joe-kster

When I get a little money, I buy books. If any is left, I buy food and clothes. - Erasmus

A diamond, though set in horns, is still a diamond, and sparkles in purest gold. - Philip Massinger

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. - Democritus

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. - Jackie Mason

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman

Keep your eye out for hot topics and trends. The media is constantly looking for timely stories. - Jim Kukral

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash

The whole trend and quality of anyone's life is determined in the long run by the choices that are made. - Norman Vincent Peale

A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. - Thibaut

People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so has a hard-boiled egg. - Unknown

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale. - Zig Ziglar

Only when the last tree has withered, and the last fish caught, and the last river been poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money. - Cree Proverb

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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23-Sep-2021