12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Money is just an idea. - Robert T. Kiyosaki

Money often costs too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sliver Dollar: Use of wooden money - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Virtue has never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain

A TV licence is a licence to print money. - Roy Thomson

If you marry for money you will earn every penny. - Dr. Phil McGraw

Money follows passion - not the other way around. - Unknown

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. - Steve Martin

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. - Unknown

A grandfather carries pictures where his money used to be. - Joe-kster

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis

The just man may sin with an open chest of gold before him. - Italian Proverb

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

Who recalls when folks got along without something if it cost too much? - Kin Hubbard

Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money, either. - Robert Graves

Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. - Henry Fielding

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money. - Robin Williams

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money. - Johnny Cash

It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. - Suze Orman

Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar

If a dollar doesn't do what it used to, remember that hardly anyone else does either. - Amish Saying

I do not think there is any silver bullet to solving the technology side of the security equation. - John W. Thompson

The only reason I'm in Hollywood is that I don't have the moral courage to refuse the money. - Marlon Brando

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

Many of us are at the 'metallic' age - gold in our teeth, silver in our hair, and lead in our pants. - Unknown

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. - Oscar Wilde

People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so has a hard-boiled egg. - Unknown

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

Some men's ambition is art, some men's ambition is fame, some men's ambition is gold. My ambition is the souls of men. - William Booth

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber

Money doesn't change men, it merely unmasks them. If a man is naturally selfish, or arrogant, or greedy, the money brings that out. - Henry Ford

The cost of oblivious daydreaming was always this moment of return, the realignment with what had been before and now seemed a little worse. - Ian McEwan

Money is like gasoline during a road trip. You don't want to run out of gas on your trip, but you're not doing a tour of gas stations. - Tim O'Reilly


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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23-Jan-2022