12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
God gave me my money. - John D Rockefeller

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. - Unknown

Nobody every lost money taking a profit. - Bernard Baruch

Here's the money for our patentcy (patent). - Archie Bunker

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

When it comes to corruption, nothing succeeds like money. - American Proverb

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. - Bob Hope

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. - WC Fields

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it. - Kin Hubbard

How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson

I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet. - Carrie Bradshaw

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. - Amy Grant

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

You meet your friend, your face brightens - you have struck gold. - Kassia

A woman will buy anything she thinks the store is losing money on. - Kin Hubbard

The key to making money in stocks is not to get scared out of them. - Peter Lynch

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk. - Robert Benchley

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome - and you sing well too. - Yiddish Proverb

It's not about money. It's about the people you have, and how you're led. - Steve Jobs

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis. - Marlon Brando

If more of us cared about food and home above gold, this world would be a merrier place. - Bilbo Baggins

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back. - Thomas Sowell

Gaming goes in trends, and for a bit of a too-long stretch, it focused on huge productions. - Markus Persson

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. - JRR Tolkien

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. - Don Marquis

It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you. - Kin Hubbard

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

I work with gold that holds history, diamonds that see the future, and rubies that long for love. - Waris Ahluwalia

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

A good financial plan is a road map that shows us exactly how the choices we make today will affect our future. - Alexa Von Tobel

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I'll ever need if I die tomorrow. - Henny Youngman

To an entrepreneur, closing a financing often feels like the end of a marathon. It's actually the starting gun. - Andy Dunn

We so often achieve success or financial independence after the chief reason for which we sought it has passed away. - Ellen Glasgow

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. - Hannah More

It's not about money or connections. It's the willingness to outwork and outlearn everyone when it comes to your business. - Mark Cuban

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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09-Jul-2020