12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
The law itself follows gold. - Propertius

One Scent: The cost of a skunk - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

He who marries for money earns it. - Hebrew Proverb

Waitress: A woman who thinks money grows on trays - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Education costs money. But then so does ignorance. - Claus Moser

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

If only Bapu knew the cost of setting him up in poverty! - Sarojini Naidu

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

Words are free. It's how you use them that may cost you. - Unknown

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it. - Kin Hubbard

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

I like gold because it is a stabilizer; it is an insurance policy. - Kevin O'Leary

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar. - Charles Montgomery Burns

I can remember way back when a liberal was generous with his own money. - Will Rogers

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

Business, that's easily defined - it's other people's money. - Peter F Drucker

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The only point in making money is, you can tell some big shot where to go. - Humphrey Bogart

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. - JRR Tolkien

I actually lost 90 pounds over the course of 15 months in order to save money on life insurance. - Derek Kilmer

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

Many of us are at the 'metallic' age - gold in our teeth, silver in our hair, and lead in our pants. - Unknown

The true identity theft is not financial. It's not in cyberspace. It's spiritual. It's been taken. - Stephen Covey

Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt. - Mark Twain

A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. - Thibaut

People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so has a hard-boiled egg. - Unknown

Success isn't measured by money or power or social rank. Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. - Mike Ditka

Always remember money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense. - Earl Wilson

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber

Victory at all cost, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival. - Winston Churchill

I have respect for Senator McCain. I used to like him a lot. I supported him. I raised a lot of money for his campaign against President Obama. - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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05-Jul-2022