12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
The law itself follows gold. - Propertius

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

Private jets cost a lot of money. - Donald Trump

Money: the poor man's credit card. - Marshal McLuhan

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. - Groucho Marx

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? - Unknown

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. - WC Fields

When a habit begins to cost money, it's called a hobby. - Jewish Proverb

How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson

By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out. - Unknown

If a little money does not go out, great money will not come in. - Chinese Proverb

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. - Steven Wright

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? - Homer Simpson

The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. - John D Rockefeller

I can remember way back when a liberal was generous with his own money. - Will Rogers

After I make a lot of money, I'll be able to afford running for office. - Christy Romano

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. - Phyllis Diller

In our world, more often the truth is 'Money talks and integrity walks.' - Bill Welker

If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out. - George Goodman

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis. - Marlon Brando

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it. - Jay Leno

It's not the cost of the book. It's what it may cost you not to buy and read it. - Jim Rohn

They say love is more important than money. Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? - Dave Chapelle

Never invest deep feelings for someone unless you're ready to face the consequences. - Unknown

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. - Jules Renard

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back. - Thomas Sowell

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. - Don Marquis

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quite. - George Carlin

If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. - Abigail Van Buren

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

Personally this plan would cost me hundreds of millions of dollars, but in all honesty, it's worth it. - Donald Trump

Why does not the Pope build St. Peter's with his own money, rather than with the money of poor believers? - Martin Luther

Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt. - Mark Twain

A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. - Thibaut

Gold and diamonds are nice, but clean, crisp, controlled water has long been the preeminent hallmark of the rich. - Anthony Doerr

I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success. - Ingrid Bergman

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. - Hannah More

We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly

Posterity! You will never know how much it cost the present generation to preserve your freedom! I hope you will make a good use of it. - John Adams

Money is like gasoline during a road trip. You don't want to run out of gas on your trip, but you're not doing a tour of gas stations. - Tim O'Reilly


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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26-Jan-2021