12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Love is the only gold. - Lord Alfred Tennyson

Money often costs too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never invest in a business you cannot understand. - Warren Buffet

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. - Groucho Marx

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis

Those have a short Lent who owe money to be paid at Easter. - Benjamin Franklin

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. - Jonathan Swift

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. - Alexandre Dumas

Who marries for love without money has merry nights and sorry days. - Scottish Proverb

He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. - George HW Bush

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. - Spike Milligan

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. - Peter deVries

There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money, either. - Robert Graves

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. - John Ciardi

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy. - Theodore White

With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome - and you sing well too. - Yiddish Proverb

If you want to find money, focus on people. If you want to lose people, focus on money. - Rob Liano

France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder

Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have. - Unknown

Never work just for money or power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams. - Norman Cousins

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I'll ever need if I die tomorrow. - Henny Youngman

No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. - Corra May Harris

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

Street League Skateboarding is the premier professional skateboarding league in the world, with the biggest prize money in history. - Rob Dyrdek

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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11-Dec-2019