12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Marry money. - Max Shulman

Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan

Stocks do not move unless they are pushed. - S Jay Levin

He does not own money whose money owns him. - St. Cyprian

Money follows passion - not the other way around. - Unknown

Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Wind to a sailor is what money is to life on shore. - Sterling Hayden

Fidelity bought with money can be overcome by money. - Seneca

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. - Unknown

After money in the bank, a grudge is the next best thing. - Anthony Trollope

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. - WC Fields

A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. - Clare B Luce

How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet. - Carrie Bradshaw

Anybody who thinks money will make you happy hasn't got money. - David Geffen

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. - Peter deVries

How much money does it take to make a man happy? Just one more dollar. - John D Rockefeller

I don't think about financial success as the measurement of my success. - Christie Hefner

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. - Phyllis Diller

Every dollar you invest in your personal development adds 30 to your bottom line. - Brian Tracy

The true alchemists do not change lead into gold; they change the world into words. - William H Gass

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to. - Alexander Pope

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back. - Thomas Sowell

The only reason I'm in Hollywood is that I don't have the moral courage to refuse the money. - Marlon Brando

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash

Every two months, I would get an email, 'Skeleton Twins update: still don't have the money!' - Bill Hader

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. - Homer Simpson

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore

A good financial plan is a road map that shows us exactly how the choices we make today will affect our future. - Alexa Von Tobel

The only security men can have for their political liberty, consists in keeping their money in their own pockets. - Lysander Spooner

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop

I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success. - Ingrid Bergman

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do. - P.J. O'Rourke

It's not about money or connections. It's the willingness to outwork and outlearn everyone when it comes to your business. - Mark Cuban

Kindness is the connection that links us all together and strengthens the bonds within our communities, neighborhoods, and families. - Rosalynn Carter


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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21-Oct-2020