My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ounce.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s name.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Nobody ever lost money taking a profit. - Bernard Baruch
Virtue has never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain
A TV licence is a licence to print money. - Roy Thomson
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. - Ted Turner
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler
I can live without money, but I cannot live without love. - Judy Garland
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump
Who marries for love without money has merry nights and sorry days. - Scottish Proverb
The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. - John D Rockefeller
One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar. - Charles Montgomery Burns
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. - Gertrude Stein
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The only point in making money is, you can tell some big shot where to go. - Humphrey Bogart
I don't care how much money you have, free stuff is always a good thing. - Queen Latifah
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. - Henny Youngman
There is a certain Buddhistic calm that comes from having money in the bank. - Tom Robbins
I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy
We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children. - Unknown
If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers. - Robin Williams
Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow to do it. - Artemus Ward
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. - Suze Orman
The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don't know which half. - John Wannamaker
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. - Harry S Truman
The man who leaves money to charity in his will is only giving away what no longer belongs to him. - Voltaire
Bathtubs are the epitome of luxury. Either you have no money to own one or you have no time to use one. - Akilnathan Logeswaran
Every two months, I would get an email, 'Skeleton Twins update: still don't have the money!' - Bill Hader
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan
The attention economy is not growing, which means we have to grab the attention that someone else has today. - Brent Leary
Success isn't measured by money or power or social rank. Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. - Mike Ditka
Keeping books on social aid is capitalistic nonsense. I just use the money for the poor. I can't stop to count it. - Evita Peron
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop
People confuse amassing money with security, but it is not so. What a pity to confuse real security with making money. - Billy Graham
I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success. - Ingrid Bergman
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen
Money doesn't change men, it merely unmasks them. If a man is naturally selfish, or arrogant, or greedy, the money brings that out. - Henry Ford
The 77 cents that women make for every dollar men earn makes a real difference to our families - families stretching to make every dollar count. - Barbara Mikulski
Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds
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