My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ounce.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s name.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright
Fidelity bought with money can be overcome by money. - Seneca
I can live without money, but I cannot live without love. - Judy Garland
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - George Carlin
Character is the root of the tree; conduct, the fruit it bears. - E.M. Bounds
If a little money does not go out, great money will not come in. - Chinese Proverb
An education obtained with money is worse than no education at all. - Socrates
Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen
Yachting: standing in a cold shower tearing up hundred-dollar bills. - Unknown
The more money an American accumulates, the less interesting he becomes. - Gore Vidal
Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams
Money can't buy happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places. - Milton Berle
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children. - Unknown
Will you marry me? Do you have any money?
Answer the second question first. - Groucho Marx
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers
Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it. - Henry David Thoreau
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) - Unknown
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. - Suze Orman
The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder
At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono
Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have. - Unknown
Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch
It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan
I actually lost 90 pounds over the course of 15 months in order to save money on life insurance. - Derek Kilmer
I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey
The ideal man bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances. - Aristotle
We shouldn't spend money on things we don't need when others don't have the things they do. - Peter Singer
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
Always remember money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense. - Earl Wilson
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen
Street League Skateboarding is the premier professional skateboarding league in the world, with the biggest prize money in history. - Rob Dyrdek
see also Business, Finance & Stress Sections
Read My Lipstick
Recession Boss
Recession Cutbacks
Standard & Poor’s Downgrade
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24-Feb-2020 |