A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an
occasional animal, and the common cold.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps
you with your girdle when your hips stick.
An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can
hope for. Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she
Bankers are just like everyone else, except richer.
Basketball, a game which won’t be fit for people until they set the basket
umbilicus high and return the giraffes to the zoo.
Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed;
He watched the ads
And not the road.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore,
And that’s what parents were created for.
Commitments the voters don’t know about can’t hurt you.
Dogs display reluctance and wrath
If you try to give them a bath;
They bury bones in hideaways
And half the time they trot sideaways.
Don’t over-analyze your marriage; it’s like yanking up a fragile indoor plant
every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.
Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
Here is a pen and here is a pencil,
Here’s a typewriter, here’s a stencil,
Here’s a list of today’s appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments,
The daily woes that a man endures - take them, George, they’re yours!
Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it.
How confusing the beams from memory’s lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a
What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick?
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many
things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
I don’t mind their having a lot of money, and I don’t care how they employ it,
but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.
I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I
grow older: Don’t try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don’t ever
look over your shoulder.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree;
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.
I was born a jackdaw - why should I try to be an owl?
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance,
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
I’d rather be a great bad poet than a good bad poet.
If you are really Master of your Fate,
It shouldn’t make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you
won’t have to work.
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes;
The wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I’m in Oz, Just trying
to tell it like it was.
Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with the window
shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside desperate to get out.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other who never forgets them.
Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object
and the irresistible force.
Maybe I couldn’t be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our
differences before a war instead of after.
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else.
Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor.
No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are
heroically unbloody and unbowed.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are
One man’s remorse is another man’s reminiscence.
One would be in less danger
From the wiles of the stranger,
If one’s own kin and kith
Were more fun to be with.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they
want that they really don’t want it.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Poets aren’t very useful,
Because they aren’t consumeful or produceful.
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
Sleep is perverse as human nature,
Sleep is perverse as a legislature,
Sleep is as forward as hives or goiters,
And where it is least desired, it loiters.
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them,
But none are fun when you set about retiring them.
Some primal termite knocked on wood,
And tasted it, and found it good;
That is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it
We make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies
every morning to keep it late.
The bronx? No thonx.
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.
The only people who should really sin
Are the people who can sin and grin.
The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it’s always a cat.
The turtle lives ’twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex;
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
There are lots of things in life that money won’t buy, but it’s very funny -
have you ever tried to buy them without money?
There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze,
And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind is gossipees.
There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I’m afraid it’s heading
in the wrong direction.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball,
And that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
There is something about a martini,
Ere the dining and dancing begin;
And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth -
I think that perhaps it’s the gin.
There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez;
When comment arose on the state of her clothes,
She drawled, "When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez!"
They take the paper and they read the headlines.
So they’ve heard of unemployment and they’ve heard of bread-lines;
And they philanthropically cure them all
By getting up a costume charity ball.
Time is like the ocean, always there, always different.
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup;
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Too clever is dumb.
When I remember bygone days
I think how evening follows morn;
So many I loved were not yet dead,
So many I love were not yet born.
Whether elected or appointed
He considers himself the Lord’s anointed,
And indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can’t get your fingers on
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
You can take it as understood
That your luck changes only if it’s good.
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You Can't Fix Stupid