[A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies...]
1. Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!
5. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
6. You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.
7. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
8. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do The Hokey Pokey....
9. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
10. If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
11. Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
12. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?
13. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I have had my television aerials removed. It is the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. - Malcolm Muggeridge
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Consuming mushrooms regularly has been associated with decreased risk of breast, stomach and colorectal cancers. - Joel Fuhrman
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher
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