The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal American immigration. The Republican presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray and live according to a conservative view of the U.S. Constitution and not Executive Orders.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose farm borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free range chicken. When I told him I didn’t have any, he angrily left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal American aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them nonetheless. He then installed 5,000 watt loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the border, but they just keep on coming.
Canadian officials are particularly concerned about American smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, promising them that they will be delivered to safe haven in Canada. They pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the batteries die. “A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though, and some kale chips, but they wouldn’t share.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly fearing retribution from conservatives, who will make them work instead of providing entitlements. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the 1950s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” the official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage, buying up all the hip hop CDs, and renting all of the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t absorb and support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many inept art and history majors does one country need?”
Canada was built on dead beavers. - Margaret Atwood
Man is not free unless government is limited. - Ronald Reagan
Intelligence has nothing to do with politics. - Londo Molari
Politics is the art of controlling your environment. - Hunter S. Thompson
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. - R Buckminster Fuller
If men were angels, no government would be necessary. - James Madison
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Though I love my country, I do not love my countrymen. - Lord Byron
Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. - Jack Layton
I grew up working in Canada so everything was low budget. - Ellen Page
Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan
Politics is for the present, but an equation is for eternity. - Albert Einstein
You can't get rich in politics unless you're a crook. - Harry S Truman
War has rules, mud wrestling has rules - politics has no rules. - Ross Perot
Anybody can be good in the country; there are no temptations there. - Oscar Wilde
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer
Either the government will be given to us or we shall seize it by marching on Rome. - Benito Mussolini
I love Canada. I am from Canada. I will bash the Canadian government but never Canada. - Jason Priestley
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers
Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials. - Mordecai Richler
I think it's an absolute disaster that Australia, the government, allowed kangaroo culling. - Steve Irwin
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns
A simple way to take the measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out. - Tony Blair
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat
One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don't go into government. - Donald Trump
The attention economy is not growing, which means we have to grab the attention that someone else has today. - Brent Leary
Canada has given us John Candy and Martin Short and Bill Shatner and Lord knows how many other wonderful performers. - Jamie Farr
Canada's political parties spend a few years in opposition and then govern as if it's permanent payback time. - Bob Rae
If we don't redouble our efforts to increase incentives for invention, this country's going to lose its edge. - Dean Kamen
It's especially hard if the government is not providing services, or is even conducting ethnic cleansing against you. - Paul Harvey
I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other. - Napoleon Bonaparte
One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf course and beat the President. - Lyndon B. Johnson
Every country must be absolutely free to adopt the type of economic, political and social system that it considers convenient. - Fidel Castro
Living in China has made me appreciate my own country, with its tiny, ethnically diverse population of unassuming donut-eaters. - Jan Wong
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. - Winston Churchill
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - Will Rogers
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him, better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart
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