My Ex-Wife, The Pilot

Marriage is heaven and hell. - German Proverb

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

To elude by flight is a glorious victory. - Horace

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. - Joe E Lewis

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

Flight attendants don't die, they just fly higher. - Unknown

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose. - Oscar Wilde

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

We all thought we'd have flying cars by now, but we don't. - Dana Brunetti

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once or twice. - Eva Gabor

I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco sauce. - Susan Vass

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner

Time passes too fast. Like a hummingbird flying by, it's just a blur to my eyes. - Amanda Leigh

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive. - Oscar Wilde

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde

A girl who thinks that a man will treat her better after marriage than before is a fool. - William C. Hall

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. - Lewis Grizzard

My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows. - Unknown

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

Learn to adapt like a bird. We can only dream of flying, but the bird has already grown her wings. - Debasish Mridha

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. - WC Fields

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day. - Mickey Rooney

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. - Phyllis Diller

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler

Be not penny-wise. Riches have wings. Sometimes they fly away of themselves, and sometimes they must be set flying to bring in more. - Francis Bacon

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing. - Ogden Nash

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon

Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings. - Victor Hugo

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. - Helen Rowland