My Ex-Wife, The Pilot

Ultimate: The last person you marry - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Make love, not war... or get married and do both. - Unknown

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Saying

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb

Love is a fair garden, and marriage a field of nettles. - Finnish Proverb

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad. - Oedipus Rex

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov

The Pirate is surrealism and so, in a curious way, is Father of the Bride. - Vincente Minnelli

I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

Sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure. - Oscar Wilde

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Irwin Corey

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

Marriage is wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution. - Groucho Marx

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

Inspirations never go in for long engagements; they demand immediate marriage to action. - Unknown

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

Give me a guitar, give me a piano, give me a broom and string, I wouldn't get bored anywhere. - Keith Richards

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

I want the pilot flying me up in the air at 30,000 feet to make more than a guy working at Taco Bell. - Michael Moore

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

If your cousin Maude says one wrong word to me, we're gonna be leaving before the bride takes the shower. - Archie Bunker

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Ogden Nash

I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. - Cameron Esposito

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. - Robert Frost

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the only miracle the Vatican has overlooked. - Bill Cosby

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? - George Carlin