FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a
glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to
take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government
gives you as much milk and eggs the rules say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and
sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker
about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need.”
Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but the government takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the
milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell
them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a
gift from your government.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who
gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots
one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM #1: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows
because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
CAPITALISM #2: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling
violins and state-of-the-art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of
how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents,
then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer
and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition,
severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar
contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese
government officials though no one ever hears about it. McDonald’s buys the meat and
serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
LIMBAUGHISM: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don’t know, because you
can’t smell them through the stench rising off your unwashed, 1,500-pound bulk. It’s been
six years since you could fit into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an evil
government conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk show.
X-FILES-ISM: Your two cows turn out to be the government. They milk YOU. You are saved by
two generic bimbos, a female and a male with blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase,
involving UFOs, (2) a gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the advertising revenue
after the Nielsens rise.
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