Pulpit Talk
New priest delivers mixed sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp;
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12;
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10;
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated;
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass;
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.;
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook;
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him;
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass;
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”;
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”;
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”;
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God”;
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

see also   Religious  Section
Atheist Holiday
Bible Reference - Emergency Contact Numbers
Center Of The Bible
God’s Little Instructions
Psalm 23
Psalm 109
Psalm 129
Psalm 404
Youth Pastor’s Last Speech


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