Hunter’s Diary

A day in the life of a Redneck hunter


1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - “Click”.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - Leave camp to shoot deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$# gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.




QuotaBills
Shoot folly as it flies. - Alexander Pope

Deer hunters will do anything for a buck. - Unknown

Old hunters never die, they just stay loaded. - Unknown

Don't think to hunt two hares with one dog. - Benjamin Franklin

Aim high and you won’t shoot your foot off. - Phyllis Diller

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright

Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. - Christopher Morley

Hunting: the least honorable form of war on the weak. - Paul Richard

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Head Hunter: The person to see if you have lost your head - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters. - Groucho Marx

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? - Steven Wright

Deer hunting would be fine sport, if only the deer had guns. - W S Gilbert

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - George Carlin

The perils of duck hunting are great - especially for the duck. - Walter Cronkite

Hunting isn't just something I do. It's part of who I am. - Unknown

When the hares have all been caught, the hunting dogs are cooked. - Laozi

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for "doesn't hunt well." - Paul Harvey

Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. - Paul Harvey

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. - Billy Wilder

If you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. - Elayne Boosler

To hunt successfully, you must know your ground, your pack, and your quarry. - K J Parker

Grandchildren are God's rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children. - Unknown

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

While I love shooting in New York City, I look forward to filming season six in Los Angeles. - Donald Trump

Attitude is everything - shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be among the stars. - Les Brown

There are sadistic scientists who hurry to hunt down errors instead of establishing the truth. - Marie Curie

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where Sandwiches live. - Bill Murray

Consultants are people who come down from the hill to shoot the wounded after the battle is over. - Doc Blakeley

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. - Jeff Foxworthy

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. - Groucho Marx

In hunting - as in life - sometimes the thing you need most isn't the thing you went looking for. - Unknown

If you turn the imagination loose like a hunting dog, it will often return with the bird in its mouth. - William Maxwell

A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded. - Tyne Daly

I am getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called 'hunting for your spectacles.' - Edward Grey

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. - P G Wodehouse

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. - Steven Wright

Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old. - Bill Bryson

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway


see also   Hunting  Section
Antler Field
Deer Hunter Tattoo
Fawntastic Deer Camouflage
How To Cook A Deer
How To Make A Deer Stand
Hunter’s Dream Wedding
Mounted Deer Antlers
Redneck Beer Hunter
Redneck Bird Dogs
Redneck Deer Hunters
Redneck Deer Stand
Redneck Motorcycle Hunter
Redneck Porch Hunter
Redneck Wedding
Snow Camo
Stuck Redneck Moose Hunters
When The Deer Hunt The Hunters

 

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03-Aug-2021