Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
Baby lying in the bassinoot. - Archie Bunker

Something bad has befelt the family. - Archie Bunker

People like to trace their ancestry. - Richard Dawkins

He flourishes with hereditary honors. - Latin Proverb

My family tree could use some pruning. - Unknown

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. - Bill Watterson

De-caffeinated: What a cow gets when it has a baby - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

There are no premature babies, only delayed weddings. - American Proverb

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. - Sam Levenson

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. - Jesus Christ

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. - Leo Rosten

Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name. - Etheridge Knight

I'm super laid back. I'm from Texas. I love my family. - Selena Gomez

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

Making the family a top priority will invariably bring success. - Zig Ziglar

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I love you like crazy, baby
'Cuz I'd go crazy without you. - Pixie Foudre

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations. - Oscar Wilde

I write to keep in contact with our ancestors and to spread truth to people. - Sonia Sanchez

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. - Daniel J. Boorstin

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. - Dave Barry

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. - Hodding S. Carter

A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato - the best part of him is underground. - Henry Cooper

Mothers are like glue, Even when you can't see them, they're still holding the family together. - Susan Gale

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

Any living cell carries within it the experiences of a billion years of experimentation by its ancestors. - Max Delbrook

If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers. - Mark Twain

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like the potato - the best part under ground. - Thomas Overbury

The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams and aspirations he sets not only for himself, but for his family. - Reed Markham

Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system. - Quentin Crewe

No one ever wants to see his or her name linked to anything bad. Conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can. - Harvey Mackay

The average family spends 30 hours in front of a television, and they say they don't have the time to have a balanced, integrated life. - Stephen Covey

With the steady disintegration of the family in modern society over the last century, the role of the school in bridging the gap has become vital. - Stephen Covey


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
A Woman’s Mind
Arkansas Divorce Application
Bad Feather Day
Before The Impact
Communication Divorce
Divorce Cakes
Divorce Defined
Divorce Is Grand
Emotion Stew
Everything Men Know About Women
Hormone Guide
Just Divorced
Keyboard Wedding
Men To The Left
My Ex-Wife, The Pilot
Obedient Wife
OCD Ball Pit
OCD Electrician
Old Divorce
Perfect Divorce
Polish Divorce
Redneck Divorce
Texas Divorce
The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
Understanding Women
Walker Buddies
Wedding Cake for the Submissive Husband
What Did You Just Say?
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25-Jan-2021