Doing The Job Right

Arrival of the proxy father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?” 
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”




QuotaBills
Newborn Baby: Fresh heir - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Friends are the family you choose. - Jennifer Aniston

Something bad has befelt the family. - Archie Bunker

He flourishes with hereditary honors. - Latin Proverb

Ever notice how baby shampoo smells like spring? - Toni Sorenson

De-caffeinated: What a cow gets when it has a baby - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman

Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you. - Jay-Z

I'm super laid back. I'm from Texas. I love my family. - Selena Gomez

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard. - Robin Williams

Family Tree: The only tree whose branches seek the shelter of its roots - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Back then the women had babies, which they called in them days, begatten. - Archie Bunker

The meek may inherit the earth, but it's the grumpy who get promoted. - Father Mulcahy

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. - George Bernard Shaw

I write to keep in contact with our ancestors and to spread truth to people. - Sonia Sanchez

We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children. - Unknown

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. - Fred Allen

An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed. - Queen Victoria

My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book. - Cicero

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. - Jaden Smith

Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash

The first who was king was a fortunate soldier: Who serves his country well has no need of ancestors. - Voltaire

We are the children of many sires, and every drop of blood in us in its turn ... betrays its ancestor. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

What is a family except memories? Haphazard and precious as the contents of a catchall drawer in the kitchen. - Joyce C Oates

I don't think he's gonna come Edith. He just ain't got none of that, waddya call, family unconscious. - Archie Bunker

Since people are going to be living longer and getting older, they'll just have to learn how to be babies longer. - Andy Warhol

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to. - Dodie Smith

The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams and aspirations he sets not only for himself, but for his family. - Reed Markham

We split from our common ancestor with the octopus half a billion years ago. And yet, you can make friends with an octopus. - Sy Montgomery

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

The average family spends 30 hours in front of a television, and they say they don't have the time to have a balanced, integrated life. - Stephen Covey

Our ancestors ... possessed a right, which nature has given to all men, of departing from the country in which chance, not choice has placed them. - Thomas Jefferson


see also   Family  &  Relationship  Sections
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Divorce Cakes
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21-Oct-2020