The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs.Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in
five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was
so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...”
Friends are the family you choose. - Jennifer Aniston
Something bad has befelt the family. - Archie Bunker
He flourishes with hereditary honors. - Latin Proverb
Ever notice how baby shampoo smells like spring? - Toni Sorenson
De-caffeinated: What a cow gets when it has a baby - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. - Greg Norman
Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you. - Jay-Z
I'm super laid back. I'm from Texas. I love my family. - Selena Gomez
I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard. - Robin Williams
Family Tree: The only tree whose branches seek the shelter of its roots - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Back then the women had babies, which they called in them days, begatten. - Archie Bunker
The meek may inherit the earth, but it's the grumpy who get promoted. - Father Mulcahy
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. - George Bernard Shaw
I write to keep in contact with our ancestors and to spread truth to people. - Sonia Sanchez
We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children. - Unknown
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. - Fred Allen
An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed. - Queen Victoria
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book. - Cicero
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. - Jaden Smith
Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash
The first who was king was a fortunate soldier: Who serves his country well has no need of ancestors. - Voltaire
We are the children of many sires, and every drop of blood in us in its turn ... betrays its ancestor. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
What is a family except memories? Haphazard and precious as the contents of a catchall drawer in the kitchen. - Joyce C Oates
I don't think he's gonna come Edith. He just ain't got none of that, waddya call, family unconscious. - Archie Bunker
Since people are going to be living longer and getting older, they'll just have to learn how to be babies longer. - Andy Warhol
The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to. - Dodie Smith
The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams and aspirations he sets not only for himself, but for his family. - Reed Markham
We split from our common ancestor with the octopus half a billion years ago. And yet, you can make friends with an octopus. - Sy Montgomery
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The average family spends 30 hours in front of a television, and they say they don't have the time to have a balanced, integrated life. - Stephen Covey
Our ancestors ... possessed a right, which nature has given to all men, of departing from the country in which chance, not choice has placed them. - Thomas Jefferson
see also Family & Relationship Sections
A Woman’s Mind
Arkansas Divorce Application
Bad Feather Day
Before The Impact
Communication Divorce
Divorce Cakes
Divorce Defined
Divorce Is Grand
Emotion Stew
Everything Men Know About Women
Hormone Guide
Just Divorced
Keyboard Wedding
Men To The Left
My Ex-Wife, The Pilot
Obedient Wife
OCD Ball Pit
OCD Electrician
Old Divorce
Perfect Divorce
Polish Divorce
Redneck Divorce
Texas Divorce
The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
Understanding Women
Walker Buddies
Wedding Cake for the Submissive Husband
What Did You Just Say?
Winning An Argument With A Woman
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21-Oct-2020 |