Two Doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the Doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go!
Next they tried: “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.
Then came: “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.” Still not good.
How about: “Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again.
So they tried: “Lost Souls and Ass Holes.” Still no go.
Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts”, “Nuts and
Butts”, “Freaks and Cheeks”, or “Loons and Moons” work either.
Almost at their wits end, the Doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”
“APPROVED”
Sickness soaks the purse. - International Proverb
Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli
Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch
The human body is the best work of art. - Jess C. Scott
Happiness is health and a short memory. - Unknown
I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West
No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez
I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. - Ben Franklin
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. - Irish Proverb
When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. - Khalil Gibran
Dancing: The Highest Intelligence in the Freest Body. - Isadora Duncan
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. - Phyllis Diller
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright
There is no cure for death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea. - Isak Dinesen
Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx
Stories are memory aids, instruction manuals and moral compasses. - Aleks Krotoski
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart. - Dorothy Parker
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. - Anthony Bourdain
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar
In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul. - David Wilkerson
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown
Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
If you want to get out of medicine the fullest enjoyment, be students all your lives. - David Riesman
It is not the body's posture, but the heart's attitude that counts when we pray. - Billy Graham
The cure for a broken heart is simple, my lady. A hot bath and a good night's sleep. - Margaret George
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard
I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I
The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind. - Rodney Yee
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
Genuine feelings cannot be produced, nor can they be eradicated. The body sticks to the facts. - Alice Miller
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine
An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary. - Martin Luther
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes
Being diagnosed with diabetes can be a very scary thing, and it can easily make your life stand still for a moment. - Charlie Kimball
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories. - John Gottschall
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown
Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir
My whole body is a wreck. I've injured myself so many times with jujitsu, skateboarding, football. I guess I like to live hard. - Scott Caan
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed
Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
I'm going to make people happy. I'm going to make them forget about their cancer. I'm going to make them forget about their diabetes. - Dick Dale
In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart
Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso
Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli
Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch
The human body is the best work of art. - Jess C. Scott
Happiness is health and a short memory. - Unknown
I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West
No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez
I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. - Ben Franklin
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. - Irish Proverb
When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. - Khalil Gibran
Dancing: The Highest Intelligence in the Freest Body. - Isadora Duncan
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. - Phyllis Diller
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright
There is no cure for death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea. - Isak Dinesen
Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx
Stories are memory aids, instruction manuals and moral compasses. - Aleks Krotoski
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart. - Dorothy Parker
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. - Anthony Bourdain
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar
In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul. - David Wilkerson
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown
Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
If you want to get out of medicine the fullest enjoyment, be students all your lives. - David Riesman
It is not the body's posture, but the heart's attitude that counts when we pray. - Billy Graham
The cure for a broken heart is simple, my lady. A hot bath and a good night's sleep. - Margaret George
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard
I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I
The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind. - Rodney Yee
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
Genuine feelings cannot be produced, nor can they be eradicated. The body sticks to the facts. - Alice Miller
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine
An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary. - Martin Luther
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes
Being diagnosed with diabetes can be a very scary thing, and it can easily make your life stand still for a moment. - Charlie Kimball
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories. - John Gottschall
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown
Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir
My whole body is a wreck. I've injured myself so many times with jujitsu, skateboarding, football. I guess I like to live hard. - Scott Caan
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed
Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
I'm going to make people happy. I'm going to make them forget about their cancer. I'm going to make them forget about their diabetes. - Dick Dale
In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart
Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso
see also Doctor & Signs Sections
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Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Did Philip Fart?
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam
Gas Passer - Downwind Protocol
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer - Real Men of Genius
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Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
Singing Gynecologist
The Common Fart
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