#1 humor site on the 'net

Stolen ID

For Davids around the world

Stolen ID thanks to Keith Blake

Name shortener in Colorado

QuotaBills
Hot Chocolate: Stolen candy - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Heista La Vista: Steal a panorama - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

An old man in a house is a good sign. - Benjamin Franklin

Mugging: Stealing someone's coffee - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

As we grow old, the beauty steals inward. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I steal from every single movie ever made. - Quentin Tarantino

Steal the hog, and give the feet for alms. - George Herbert

Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal. - T S Eliot

We steal if we touch tomorrow. It is God's. - Henry Ward Beecher

Thou shalt not steal - only from other comedians. - WC Fields

Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. - Robert H Schuller

Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen. - Jerome A Jerome

Identification... is a form of escape from the self. - Krishnamurti

To play billiards well is a sign of ill-spent youth. - Charles Roupell

Tirade: A trip to the clothing store to steal neckwear - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright

The immature artist imitates. The mature artist steals. - Lionel Trilling

Plagiarists are always suspicious of being stolen from. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

A chip on the shoulder is a sure sign of wood higher up. - Brigham Young

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. - William Shakespeare

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. - Terry Pratchett

We must interpret a bad temper as a sign of inferiority. - Alfred Adler

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? - George Carlin

It's all right to be Goliath, but always act like David. - Phil Knight

The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child. - Joe Houldsworth

My mind is the only sanctuary that has not been stolen from me. - Christopher Paolini

A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal. - Russian Proverb

Time is a vindictive bandit to steal the beauty of our former selves. - Raphael

A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. - Mario Puzo

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter. - Steven Wright

Men are not hanged for stealing horses, but that horses may not be stolen. - George Savile

The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les. - Steven Wright

Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown

A sign of celebrity is that his name is often worth more than his services. - Daniel J. Boorstin

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright

I got something important here to read and sign and I gotta consecrate on that. - Archie Bunker

Antifreeze: What happens to your mother's sister when you steal her blanket - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

My favourite characters in the Bible are King David, Delilah and Charlton Heston. - Milton Berle

To be satisfied with yourself is a sure sign that your forward motion has stopped. - Unknown

Let's commit the perfect crime. I'll steal your heart, and you steal mine. - Meryl Streep

British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

When a man falls into his anecdotage, it is a sign for him to retire from the world. - Benjamin Disraeli

Contradiction is not a sign of falsity, nor the lack of contradiction a sign of truth. - Blaise Pascal

I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form. - Spike Milligan

Memory: The feeling that steals over one as he listens to a friend's original stories - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? - Albert Einstein

Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart. - Jose N Harris

Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. - Frederick Wilcox

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean. - Zach Galifianakis

Those who corrupt the public mind are just as evil as those who steal from the public purse. - Adlai E Stevenson

Tears shed for self are tears of weakness, but tears shed for others are a sign of strength. - Billy Graham

If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride, because it shows you trust in your own powers. - Mother Teresa

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. - Wilson Mizner

Believe in the reasonable decency of the brethren; patients are not stolen — they run away. - Martin H. Fischer

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? - Laurence J. Peter

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. - Ronnie Corbett

I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. - Tom Clark

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

If the sign on your heart says, "WELCOME", the love will come pouring in from everywhere. - Susan Jeffers

I got all the schooling any actress needs. That is, I learned to write well enough to sign contracts. - Hermione Gingold

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. - Steven Wright

Lackadaisical: 1. Mood after someone steals your flowers; 2. Something to do with a shortage of flowers. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. - Woody Allen

It's a sign of age if you feel like the morning after the night before and you haven't been anywhere. - Unknown

There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Years steal fire from the mind as vigor from the limb; and life's enchanted cup but sparkles near the brim. - Lord Byron

Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn't change anything. It messes with your mind and steals your happiness. - Unknown

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

Crying doesn't indicate that you are weak. Ever since you were born it's been a sign that you are alive. - Unknown

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde

Pain is a sign that we are alive. Problems are a sign that we are strong. Prayer is a sign that we are not alone. - Unknown

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you're riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. - Bob Marley

Who is apt, on occasion, to assign a multitude of reasons when one will do? This is a sure sign of weakness in argument. - Harriet Martineau

Don't be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything. - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

The greatest sign of success for a teacher is to be able to say, "The children are now working as if I did not exist." - Maria Montessori

One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them. - Virginia Woolf

I glanced out the window at the signs of spring. The sky was almost blue, the trees were almost budding, the sun was almost bright. - Millard Kaufman

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Navjot S Sidhu

We are all the fools of time and terror: Days Steal on us and steal from us; yet we live, Loathing our life, and dreading still to die. - George Gordon Byron

No sign of pleasure greeted the announcement. The mood in the hall was leaden.
My mood was livelier. Fright is livelier than lead. - Gail Carson Levine

A man’s life is interesting primarily when he has failed – I well know. For it’s a sign that he tried to surpass himself. - Georges Clemenceau

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. - Theodore Roosevelt

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN or beer. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars. - Unknown

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - Anatole France


Florida Moves Out Of Hurricane Zone

Small Bills

Denmark Traffic Signals

Nail Polish Lookalilikes

Game Car

Overloaded Mailbox

Redneck Phone

Enjoy Fresh Air

Bread Board

Snaccident

Mini Bar

Frisbee Stopper

Redneck Sushi

Redneck's Lo-Tech Mobile Phone

Downchuck

Border Agent Alert

Cadillac Clearance

Leading By Example

Wired For Coffee

Cadillac Bike

Chip and Dip

Cat Couch Nap

Redneck Trophy Fish

Country Irony