#1 humor site on the 'net

Flatten The Curve

They lied...

Flatten The Curve thanks to Barry McCartney

QuotaBills
The healthy die first. - Italian Proverb

Fat: Energy gone to waist - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Diet Planner: A fast talker. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil

Reform: To gain or lose weight - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

Americans like fat books and thin women. - Russell Baker

I find forgiveness to be really healthy. - Ben Affleck

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman

A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. - Unknown

My diet is like Atkins, but with the carbs. - BJ Penn

Happiness is equilibrium. Shift your weight. - Tom Stoppard

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch. - Andy Rooney

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers

Have great, secret, big, fat hopes for yourself. - Gloria Vanderbilt

We don't see many fat men walking on stilts. - Bud Miller

The heart, like the stomach, wants a varied diet. - Gustave Flaubert

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown

If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel. - Unknown

The wish for healing has always been half of health. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I've probably tried every fad diet in the world. - Jenna Ushkowitz

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato

Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls. - Unknown

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

Desperation is a fellow shaving before stepping on the scales. - Unknown

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. - Jim Eason

I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money. - Marlon Brando

Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

I don't diet, I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. - Linda Evangelista

There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel

If you're already walking on thin ice, you might as well dance. - Proverb

I find there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield

Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields

People with healthy self-esteem do not need to create pretend identities. - Unknown

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. - James Thurber

There is nothing more beautiful in this world than a healthy, wise old man. - Lin Yutang

When healthy competition prevails - you come out to play and you play to win. - Lorii Myers

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish. - Carrie Underwood

I am on a ketos diet so I avoid sugar, dairy products, wheat, grain or pulses. - Puneet Issar

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke

Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

We don't get fat because we overeat; we overeat because we're getting fat. - Gary Taubes

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

Every single diet I ever fell off of was because of potatoes and gravy of some sort. - Dolly Parton

Logic is the hygiene the mathematician practices to keep his ideas healthy and strong. - Hermann Weyl

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

An old timer is one who remembers when we counted our blessings instead of our calories. - Unknown

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard

Life, if you're fat, is a minefield - you have to pick your way, otherwise you blow up. - Miriam Margolyes

Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis

He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his. - William Shakespeare

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about. - Jay Leno

What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith

If fat people just gave skinny people more food, we could solve obesity and hunger at the same time. - Ashton Kutcher

Iceomaniac: One who has to go out of their way to step on thin ice to hear a satisfying crunching sound - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The concept that vaccine-induced immunity is superior in any way to natural immunity is sheer nonsense. - Dr Steven Pelech

Baloney is the unvarnished lie laid on so thick you hate it. Blarney is flattery laid on so thin you love it. - Fulton J Sheen

I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner

Art is made to disturb. Science reassures. There is only one valuable thin in art: the thing you cannot explain. - Georges Braque

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

Perfect freedom is as necessary to the health and vigor of commerce as it is to the health and vigor of citizenship. - Patrick Henry

A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke

Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight. - Josh Billings

If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see the pounds come off. - Misty May-Treanor

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr

I pray for forgiveness. For help and guidance. To be a better person. For the health of my family. For the world to be a better place. - Tyson Fury

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali

Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who make you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat. - Joanne Woodward

Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha

Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn't catch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com


Tree Face

Camper Tank

Shipley Donut Pants

Distressing Artwork

Child's Motorcycle Helmet

Montana Mountain Bike

Sealtastic

Bland Entrance

Cruising Advice

Cat Dugout

Open Drive Through

Secret Revealed

Tired Flagpole

Bent Car Sculpture

Cow Jacket

Thanks For Noticing

Overflow Truck Garden

Beach Sign Training

Encouraging Seal

GMC Pool

Nature Calls

You're Home Early

New Nail Gun

Long Noodles