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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Music describes what words can't. - Unknown

Country music is three chords and the truth. - Harlan Howard

In rock music terms I'm like a dinosaur. - Belinda Carlisle

Music is spiritual. The music business is not. - Van Morrison

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

Music is what our soul sounds like when it sings. - Xila Toro

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. - Pat Conroy

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. - Ronald Reagan

You can't touch music, but music can touch you. - Mordecai

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

Life exists for the love of music or beautiful things. - G K Chesterton

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. - Albert Einstein

Classical music is music written by famous dead foreigners. - Arlene Heath

Music can be made anywhere, is invisible and does not smell. - W H Auden

If I'm going to Hell, I'm going there playing the piano. - Jerry Lee Lewis

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. - Kin Hubbard

The main thing the public demands of a composer is that he be dead. - Arthur Honegger

Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. - Dierks Bentley

A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - Max Lucado

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. - Bob Hope

Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it. - John Lennon

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

It is simply my life, music. I live it, breathe it, talk with it. I am almost unconscious of it. - Arthur Rubinstein

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. - Oscar Wilde

Although I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. - Margot Asquith

The guitar is a small orchestra. It is polyphonic. Every string is a different color, a different voice. - Andres Segovia

I'm a games and theory king of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose. - Neil Patrick Harris

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. - Plato

In a weird kind of way, music has afforded me an idealism and perfectionism that I could never attain as me. - Billy Corgan

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? - David Sarnoff

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde

Music is the great uniter. An incredible force. Something that people who differ on everything and anything else can have in common. - Sarah Dessen

Suspense is very important. Even though this is humor and they're short stories, that theory of building suspense is still there. - Sergio Aragones

When I was nine, my father said 'You can take piano lessons or do karate' - I had a black belt and was competing before I was 19. - Elodie Yung

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart


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