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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...

QuotaBills
Where words leave off, music begins. - Heinrich Heine

Canned music is like audible wallpaper. - Alistair Cooke

Unaccompanied: The orchestra is on strike - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I enjoy playing the audience like a piano. - Alfred Hitchcock

Without music, life would be a blank to me. - Jane Austen

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

The only love affair I have ever had was with music. - Maurice Ravel

Dancing can reveal all the mystery that music conceals. - Charles Baudelaire

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. - Steve Martin

You just pick a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Berthold Auerbach

The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Classical music is music written by famous dead foreigners. - Arlene Heath

Yoga is almost like music in a way; there's no end to it. - Sting

I don't put boundaries on myself when I sit at the piano. - Vanessa Carlton

Life seems to go on without effort when I am filled with music. - George Eliot

No one can whistle a symphony. It takes an orchestra to play it. - Halford E Luccock

Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. - Dierks Bentley

Music is what tells us that the human race is greater than we realize. - Napoleon Bonaparte

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. - Bill Murray

If you want to lead the orchestra, you must turn your back on the crowd. - Max Lucado

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

Music, once admitted to the soul, becomes a sort of spirit, and never dies. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton

The musician is perhaps the most modest of animals, but he is also the proudest. - Erik Satie

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. - Aldous Huxley

Film is one of the three universal languages, the other two: mathematics and music. - Frank Capra

Music is the only thing I've ever known that doesn't have any rules at all. - Josh Homme

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. - Samuel Butler

I dreamt of you last night, as if I was playing the piano and you were turning the pages for me. - Vladimir Nabokov

How is it that music can, without words, evoke our laughter, our fears, our highest aspirations? - Jane Swan

A hundred years from now, people will listen to the music of the Beatles the same way we listen to Mozart. - Paul McCartney

He is a rarity which I cannot but be fond of, as one would be of a hog that could fiddle, or a singing owl. - John W. Rochester

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary. - Martin Luther

Music is by far the most wonderful method we have to remind us each day of the power of personal accomplishment. - Chris S Salazar

You write to become immortal, or because the piano happens to be open, or you've looked into a pair of beautiful eyes. - Robert Schumann

Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski

Music expresses feeling and thought, without language; it was below and before speech, and it is above and beyond all words. - Robert G Ingersoll

The piano is a universal instrument. If you start there, learn your theory and how to read, you can go on to any other instrument. - Eddie Van Halen

Learning to play golf is like learning to play the violin. It's not only difficult to do, it's very painful to everyone around you. - Hal Linden


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