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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...

QuotaBills
The only truth is music. - Jack Kerouac

Jazz is democracy in music. - Wynton Marsalis

Music describes what words can't. - Unknown

Dancing with her was like moving a piano. - Ring Lardner

Jazz is not dead... it just smells funny. - Frank Zappa

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch. - George Carlin

Without music, life would be a blank to me. - Jane Austen

Rock and roll: music for the neck downwards. - Keith Richards

You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker

Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence. - Robert Fripp

The earth has its music for those who will listen. - George Santayana

Life exists for the love of music or beautiful things. - G K Chesterton

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. - Elvis Costello

Dancing can reveal all the mystery that music conceals. - Charles Baudelaire

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. - Steve Martin

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. - Arthur O'Shaughnessy

Don't play what's there - play what's not there. - Miles Davis

Conductor: The musician most likely to get struck by lightning - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist. - G K Chesterton

A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - Max Lucado

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

I haven't understood a bar of music in my life, but I have felt it. - Igor Stravinsky

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you. Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you. - Charles Hart

Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have hear below. - Joseph Addison

The musician is perhaps the most modest of animals, but he is also the proudest. - Erik Satie

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try. - Mary Kay Ash

There, standing at the piano, was the original good time who had been had by all. - Kenneth Tynan

Blind commitment to a theory is not an intellectual virtue: it is an intellectual crime. - Imre Lakatos

The theory of communism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of private property. - Karl Marx

As for everything else, so for a mathematical theory: beauty can be perceived but not explained. - Arthur Cayley

I dreamt of you last night, as if I was playing the piano and you were turning the pages for me. - Vladimir Nabokov

How is it that music can, without words, evoke our laughter, our fears, our highest aspirations? - Jane Swan

Although I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. - Margot Asquith

Since the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity, I do not understand it myself any more. - Albert Einstein

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell

If Music is a Place - then Jazz is the City, Folk is the Wilderness, Rock is the Road, Classical is a Temple. - Vera Nazarian

You write to become immortal, or because the piano happens to be open, or you've looked into a pair of beautiful eyes. - Robert Schumann

Music expresses feeling and thought, without language; it was below and before speech, and it is above and beyond all words. - Robert G Ingersoll

Learning to play golf is like learning to play the violin. It's not only difficult to do, it's very painful to everyone around you. - Hal Linden


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