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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
The only truth is music. - Jack Kerouac

Music is the strongest form of magic. - Marilyn Manson

Jazz is not dead... it just smells funny. - Frank Zappa

Unaccompanied: The orchestra is on strike - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Music comes to me more readily than words. - Ludwig van Beethoven

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. - Friedrich Engels

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain

You can't touch music, but music can touch you. - Mordecai

Music is the moonlight in the gloomy night of life. - Jean Paul Friedrich Richter

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable. - Samuel Johnson

After Rossini dies, who will there be to promote his music? - Richard Wagner

Every day a piano doesn't fall on my head is good luck. - Meg Rosoff

I don't put boundaries on myself when I sit at the piano. - Vanessa Carlton

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Company

Music is the literature of the heart; it commences where speech ends. - Alphonse de Lamartine

Music is the divine way to tell beautiful, poetic things to the heart. - Pablo Casals

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin

All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff. - Frank Zappa

There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes

There's far more truth in the Book of Genesis than in the quantum theory. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. - William Congreve

I think my music is like anchovies - some people like it, some people get nauseous. - Barry Manilow

The greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the music the words make. - Truman Capote

Just as Jesus created wine from water, we humans are capable of transmuting emotion into music. - Carlos Santana

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. - Maya Angelou

Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. - Jack Handey

I'm a games and theory king of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose. - Neil Patrick Harris

What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth -
Compared with love, found, gained, and kept? - Robert Browning

There is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require. - Edward Elgar

Silent Disco: A disco in which all the participants wear wireless headphones to hear the music, thus eliminating noise pollution - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde

If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once every week. - Charles Darwin

Suspense is very important. Even though this is humor and they're short stories, that theory of building suspense is still there. - Sergio Aragones

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes. - Sir Thomas Beecham

Learning to play golf is like learning to play the violin. It's not only difficult to do, it's very painful to everyone around you. - Hal Linden

Music is a language that doesn't speak in particular words. It speaks in emotions, and if it's in the bones, it's in the bones. - Keith Richards

I love power. But it is as an artist that I love it. I love it as a musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and harmonies. - Napoleon Bonaparte

The music that really turns me on is either running toward God or away from God. Both recognize the pivot, that God is at the center of the jaunt. - Bono


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