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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
Music is the shorthand of emotion. - Leo Tolstoy

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Music is the soundtrack of your life. - Dick Clark

Music is the strongest form of magic. - Marilyn Manson

In music the passions enjoy themselves. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch. - George Carlin

Music comes to me more readily than words. - Ludwig van Beethoven

In rock music terms I'm like a dinosaur. - Belinda Carlisle

Music is to the soul what words are to the mind. - Unknown

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

My music is best understood by children and animals. - Igor Stravinsky

Music, when soft voices die, vibrates in the memory. - Percy Bysshe Shelley

I you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. - Louis Armstrong

The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

If I'm going to Hell, I'm going there playing the piano. - Jerry Lee Lewis

Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life. - Ludwig van Beethoven

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence. - Edith Sitwell

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

Nothing is capable of being well set to music that is not nonsense. - Joseph Addison

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Boxing is like jazz. The better it is, the less people appreciate it. - George Foreman

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. - Victor Borge

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. - Vladimir Nabokov

Music, once admitted to the soul, becomes a sort of spirit, and never dies. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton

I'm a producer for fun. I'm not a professional schooled musician or anything. - Afrojack

It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf. - Walter Lippmann

If you're in jazz and more than ten people like you, you're labeled commercial. - Herbie Mann

Music is everybody's business. It's only the publishers who think people own it. - John Lennon

Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Just as Jesus created wine from water, we humans are capable of transmuting emotion into music. - Carlos Santana

In a weird kind of way, music has afforded me an idealism and perfectionism that I could never attain as me. - Billy Corgan

What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth -
Compared with love, found, gained, and kept? - Robert Browning

Music drives you. It wakes you up, it gets you pumping. And, at the end of the day, the correct tune will chill you down. - Dimebag Darrell

To live is to be musical, starting with the blood dancing in your veins. Everything living has a rhythm. Do you feel your music? - Michael Jackson

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard

Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory. - Thomas Beecham

Music is amoral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. - Plato


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