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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
The only truth is music. - Jack Kerouac

Where words fail, music speaks. - Hans Christian Anderson

Music describes what words can't. - Unknown

Kind words are the music of the world. - F.W. Faber

The piano ain't got no wrong notes. - Thelonious Monk

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch. - George Carlin

Music is the universal language of mankind. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright

My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown

You can't touch music, but music can touch you. - Mordecai

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

Making music should not be left to the professionals. - Michelle Shocked

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

Modern music is three farts and a raspberry, orchestrated. - John Barbirolli

Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together. - Anais Nin

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Berthold Auerbach

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. - Mike Myers

Most people die with their music still locked up inside them. - Benjamin Disraeli

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Company

A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - Max Lucado

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

I haven't understood a bar of music in my life, but I have felt it. - Igor Stravinsky

Grammar is a piano I play by ear. All I know about grammar is its power. - Joan Didion

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer

I'm a producer for fun. I'm not a professional schooled musician or anything. - Afrojack

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music. - Unknown

The greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the music the words make. - Truman Capote

Great music is as much about the space between the notes as it is about the notes themselves. - Sting

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. - S.J. Perelman

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. - Oscar Wilde

The guitar is a small orchestra. It is polyphonic. Every string is a different color, a different voice. - Andres Segovia

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. - H L Mencken

What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth -
Compared with love, found, gained, and kept? - Robert Browning

I alone of English writers have consciously set myself to make music out of what I may call the sound of sense. - Robert Frost

Melody is the essence of music. I compare a good melodist to a fine racer, and counterpoints to hack post-horses. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

You write to become immortal, or because the piano happens to be open, or you've looked into a pair of beautiful eyes. - Robert Schumann

Music is amoral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. - Plato

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart


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