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Woman was God's second mistake. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

A good home must be made, not bought. - Joyce Maynard

I'm a woman who wants her chocolate. - Jessica Simpson

A dog in desperation will leap over a wall. - Unknown

A house divided against itself cannot stand. - Abraham Lincoln

A road to a friend's house is never long. - Danish Proverb

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. - Phyllis Diller

Don't think to hunt two hares with one dog. - Benjamin Franklin

The words you speak become the house you live in. - Hafiz

The scalded dog fears hot water, and afterwards, cold. - Italian Proverb

I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! - The Wizard of Oz

If light is in your heart, you will find your way home. - Rumi

Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen. - Unknown

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - H L Mencken

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

Better a hundred enemies outside the house than one inside. - Arabic proverb

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. - Marilyn Monroe

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Wilhelm II

I have so much hair, I have a separate wig closet in my house. - Sherri Shepherd

To be happy in the home is the ultimate result of all ambition. - Samuel Johnson

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman. - Oscar Wilde

As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf

Frump: A woman who looks her age and doesn't try to overlook it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Happiness is coming home and knowing your dog is there to greet you. - Unknown

It's very hard to make a home for a man if he's always in it. - Winifred Kirkland

The best years of a woman's life - the ten years between 39 and 40. - Unknown

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. - WC Fields

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. - Phyllis Diller

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain. - Oscar Wilde

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

It's not the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them. - Harry Hill

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

A gentleman should never leave the house without a sharp knife, a good watch, and great hat. - Unknown

If we build in the desert, let the house know the desert and the desert be proud of the house. - Frank Lloyd Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs. - Steven Wright

People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home. - Dagobert D. Runes

By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong. - Unknown

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd,
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned. - William Congreve

I'm making wine at home, but I'm making it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically. - Steven Wright

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

After all, inside every woman, no matter how grown up she is, there is still a frightened little girl. - Sergei Lukyanenko

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. - Woody Allen

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay. - Groucho Marx

A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - Jane Austen

How do we persevere when we're adrift at sea, severed from wherever or whomever is our 'home'? - Lois Anderson

One of television's great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs. - Alfred Hitchcock

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - Robert Frost

The scorn men express for a male who does housework is exceeded only by their aversion to a woman who doesn't. - Penny Kome

There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan

A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa. - Mark Zuckerberg

The ordinary acts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest. - Thomas Moore

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong? - George Carlin

Over the years, I learned so much from mom. She taught me about the importance of home and history and family and tradition. - Martha Stewart

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed... and clean the whole house while she sleeps. - Unknown

Snap-On Gasket Scrapper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the woman who once slept here not knowing that someday one of her worst fears would come true. - Jennifer Castle

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church
I keep it, staying at Home
With a Bobolink for a Chorister
And an Orchard for a Dome - Emily Dickinson

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. - Casey Stengel

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans. - Kelli Jae Baeli

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller

The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ came to do three things. He came to have my past forgiven, you get a purpose for living and a home in Heaven - Rick Warren