How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Woman, the most dangerous of playthings. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I think Queen Elizabeth II is a charming woman. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Yard: Unit of measurement. In angling, 17 inches. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior. - Socrates

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. - Rudyard Kipling

A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. - Clare B Luce

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes. - Robin Williams

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. - Groucho Marx

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it. - Evan Esar

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. - Oscar Wilde

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold. - Marlo Thomas

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

One of the few articles of clothing that a man won't try to remove from a woman is an apron. - Marilyn Vos Savant

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

We should measure welfare's success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added. - Ronald Reagan

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay. - Groucho Marx

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren

A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own size is a dwarf in more articles than one. - Laurence Stern

Sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented dental floss. - Unknown

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with the word 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Remember, we're fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done! - Groucho Marx

Men have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position. - Sam Malone

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta

Blessed be Providence which has given to each his toy: the doll to the child, the child to the woman, the woman to the man, the man to the devil. - Victor Hugo