How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn

A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age. - Voltaire

As Unto The Bow The Cord Is, So Unto The Man Is Woman - Longfellow

Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. - H L Mencken

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune. - Plutarch

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. - Woodrow Wyatt

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

How a society treats its disabled is the true measure of a civilization. - Chen Guangcheng

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on. - Oscar Wilde

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

A simple way to take the measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out. - Tony Blair

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay. - Groucho Marx

Never measure the height of a mountain, until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was. - Dag Hammarskjold

The man who can make others laugh secures more votes for a measure than the man who forces them to think. - Malcolm de Chazal

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age; a woman who would tell one would tell one anything. - Oscar Wilde

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - Robert Frost

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

The scorn men express for a male who does housework is exceeded only by their aversion to a woman who doesn't. - Penny Kome

Men have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position. - Sam Malone

Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin, but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. - Oscar Wilde

The insight to see possible new paths, the courage to try them, the judgment to measure results - these are the qualities of a leader. - Mary Parker Follett

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Every man and woman is born into the world to do something unique and distinctive, and if he or she does not do it, it will never be done. - Benjamin E. Mays

Under the present circumstances, I would rather be a lap dancer than a woman MP - the hours are better and unruly male members are shown the door. - Allison Pearson