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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

QuotaBills
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

The woman that deliberates is lost. - Joseph Addison

Tis brief, my lord... as woman's love. - William Shakespeare

When a woman is openly bad she is then at her best. - Latin Proverb

As Unto The Bow The Cord Is, So Unto The Man Is Woman - Longfellow

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

That woman is liable to come at you like a Doberman's Pincher. - Archie Bunker

The three words every woman really longs to hear: I'll clean up. - Molly Shannon

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Unknown

That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say no in any of them. - Dorothy Parker

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. - Honore de Balzac

Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches. - Andy Warhol

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - Helen Rowland

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. - Oscar Wilde

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. - W.T. Purkiser

The clothes in themselves do not make a statement. The woman makes the statement and the dress helps. - Jean Muir

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. - Woody Allen

The man who can make others laugh secures more votes for a measure than the man who forces them to think. - Malcolm de Chazal

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he's absolutely free to choose. - William M. Bulger

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. - Steve Martin

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it is the same problem you had last year. - John Foster Dulles

From a shy, timid girl I had become a woman of resolute character, who could no longer be frightened by the struggle with troubles. - Anna Dostoevsky

The insight to see possible new paths, the courage to try them, the judgment to measure results - these are the qualities of a leader. - Mary Parker Follett

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon


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