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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

QuotaBills
Measure twice, cut once. - Craftsman Aphorism

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Man is the measure of all things. - Protagoras

Measure a thousand times and cut once. - Turkish Proverb

Man has his will, but woman has her way. - Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing. - Meryl Streep

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A round wife and a full barn are the signs of good success. - Amish Saying

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce

The only place men want depth in a woman is in her decolletage. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan

Measure yourself by what you have accomplished with your ability. - John Wooden

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

Between man and woman there is little difference, but vive la difference. - French Proverb

I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. - Honore de Balzac

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. - Natalie Wood

The most beautiful makeup for a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. - Yves St. Laurent

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. - Mary Marsh

A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform. - Diane Mariechild

Co-Operation: An exchange between a woman and a man in which she coos and he operates - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Measure thy life by loss instead of gain, not by the wine drunk, but the wine poured forth. - Harriet King

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I believe in loyalty: I think when a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick to it. - Eva Gabor

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you. - Groucho Marx

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

You can measure opportunity with the same yardstick that measures the risk involved. They go together. - Earl Nightingale

No matter how plain a woman may be, if truth and honesty are written across her face, she will be beautiful. - Eleanor Roosevelt

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong? - George Carlin

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. - Steve Martin

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

To be an atheist requires an indefinitely greater measure of faith than to receive all the great truths which atheism would deny. - Joseph Addison

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield


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