How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Capsize: Head measurement. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Wrong no man and write no woman. - Elbert Hubbard

Man is the measure of all things. - Protagoras

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. - Archie Bunker

Behind every good woman is a lot of chocolate. - Unknown

Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior. - Socrates

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

The smiles of a pretty woman are the tears of the purse. - Italian Proverb

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. - Marilyn Monroe

Honesty is probably the sexiest thing a man can give to a woman. - Debra Messing

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

Frump: A woman who looks her age and doesn't try to overlook it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The test of a man or woman's breeding is how they behave in a quarrel. - George Bernard Shaw

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse. - Laurence Sterne

Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton

An ugly woman is a disease of the stomach; a handsome woman a disease of the head. - Italian Proverb

Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. - Joseph Joubert

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - John Vanbrugh

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

Shady Character: A fellow who snoozes in a hammock under a tree while his wife mows the lawn - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure. - Groucho Marx

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. - Oscar Wilde

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde

Career Woman: One who goes out and earns a man's salary instead of sitting at home and taking it away from him - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force. - Dorothy L Sayers

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong? - George Carlin

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the woman who once slept here not knowing that someday one of her worst fears would come true. - Jennifer Castle

Strapless Gown: 1. When a woman won't shoulder the responsibility; 2. A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren