#1 humor site on the 'net

Things Bottled Up

Wine prescription on Doctor's orders

Things Bottled Up thanks to Wayne Nowazek

QuotaBills
Sickness soaks the purse. - International Proverb

Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil

Diabetes taught me discipline. - Sonia Sotomayor

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch

Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet

I'm Hybrid. I run on chocolate and wine. - Unknown

Good friends, like wine, get better with age. - Unknown

Wine is the flower in the buttonhole of life. - Werumeus Buning

Wine is the most civilized thing in the world. - Ernest Hemingway

Everything's better with bacon and red wine. - Dianne Harman

Psychoanalysis is the disease it claims to cure. - Karl Kraus

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. - Irish Proverb

The No. 1 cause of bankruptcies is medical bills. - Michael Moore

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - WC Fields

Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. - Unknown

There are life-threatening issues related to diabetes. - Stephen Wallem

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Why is it we never get our bad medicine in small doses? - Edmund H North

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson

I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. - Bill Watterson

What air is to the body, to feel understood is to the heart. - Stephen Covey

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea. - Isak Dinesen

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. - Edward Abbey

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure. - Abraham Cowley

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel

I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world. - Louis Pasteur

Mental will is a muscle that needs exercise, just like muscles of the body. - Lynn Jennings

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

Nurses dispense comfort, compassion, and caring without even a prescription. - Val Saintsbury

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. - Ben Franklin

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. - Peter Ustinov

The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure. - Jane Austen

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind

People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

Seafood is one of the easiest things to digest - a bratwurst is really hard on the body. - Joey Chestnut

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. - Unknown

We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley. - Tom Baker

Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee

We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton

Many people find themselves with illness as they become successful: higher blood pressure and diabetes. - Zong Qinghou

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

I blinked and I cured my brain. That's how. Everybody has the power. Can't is the cancer of happen. - Charlie Sheen

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

If you have to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny, which would you choose: Red or White? - Unknown

Yoga is really trying to liberate us from shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing. - Rodney Yee

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. - Alexander Pope

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

Milk is the drink of babies, tea the drink of women, water the drink of beasts, and wine is the drink of the gods. - John S Blackie

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

There's a belonging problem in Hollywood. Who dictates who belongs? The very body who dictates that looks all one way. - Ava DuVernay

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray

Trying to manage diabetes is hard because if you don't, there are consequences you'll have to deal with later in life. - Bryan Adams

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Enoki mushrooms, a tasty variety commonly sold in grocery stores, were one of the first mushrooms studied for preventing cancer. - Paul Stamets

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

My whole body is a wreck. I've injured myself so many times with jujitsu, skateboarding, football. I guess I like to live hard. - Scott Caan

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. - Bible

If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise

My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain


Hyphenated Names

Indian Fish Pond

Lunch Anyone?

Wet T-Shirt Contest Winners

Giraffe Lunch

Bathroom Celebration

Tennis Ball Retriever

One

Tonsil Ring

Brew Haul-her - 12 Brewskies At A Time

Anon-y-moose

Redneck Beer Opener

Greek Monk

Dates For Everyone

Max Occupancy Rounded to 100

Group Photo

Awning Truck Advertising

Harley Load

Face To Face

Who Needs Physics?

Benched Puppies

Water Relief

Shot Glasses

Men in Denim