#1 humor site on the 'net

Things Bottled Up

Wine prescription on Doctor's orders

Things Bottled Up thanks to Wayne Nowazek

QuotaBills
Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

I told you I was sick. - B.P. Roberts

In wine, there is the truth. - Pliny the Elder

The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

Religions change; beer and wine remain. - Hervey Allen

The best cure for the body is a quiet mind. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet

I've tried body surfing. It's nice. - Ziggy Marley

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine. - Unknown

I'm Hybrid. I run on chocolate and wine. - Unknown

Life is pharmaceutical from head to cuticle. - David McCord

Space ails us moderns: we are sick with space. - Robert Frost

Talking to you is like casting pearls into wine. - Archie Bunker

I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

A room without books is like a body without a soul. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food. - WC Fields

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan

There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Dorothy Parker

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett

There is but one temple in the universe and that is the body of man. - Novalis

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. - Pope John XXIII

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. - Frank Lloyd Wright

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world. - Louis Pasteur

Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. - Samuel Johnson

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

The way to deal with the devil of obesity and diabetes is literally one day at a time. - Stephen Furst

We have so many words for states of mind, and so few words for the states of the body. - Jeanne Moreau

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

Happiness is beneficial for the body but it is grief that develops the power of the mind. - Marcel Proust

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. - Unknown

Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. - Oscar Wilde

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter

My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald

The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

Yoga is really trying to liberate us from shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing. - Rodney Yee

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

One of the greatest things about the sport of surfing is that you need only three things: your body, a surfboard, and a wave. - Naima Green

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

My whole body is a wreck. I've injured myself so many times with jujitsu, skateboarding, football. I guess I like to live hard. - Scott Caan

When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin

Getting wrapped up in worries is bad for your body and spirit. That's when you must short out your logic circuits and reboot your heart. - Pokemon

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

I do not love to work out, but if I stick to exercising every day and put the right things in my mouth, then my diabetes just stays in check. - Halle Berry

If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise

I'm going to make people happy. I'm going to make them forget about their cancer. I'm going to make them forget about their diabetes. - Dick Dale

When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville


Funnel Farm

Buffalo Prod

Meat Pie

Where Nobody Speeds

A Fish Called Wanda - Uncut Version

Point Of View

Good Conductor

Kelp Us!

Croc Lunge

Tree Awning

Oversize Load

Redneck Spoon

Cheating

Be Very Quiet

Quick Rubik's Cube

Window Sundial

Helping Hands

Short On Electricity

Amish Friends

Spiral Roots

Tree Sorrow

Domino Crossing

Family Reunion

Roll Me Over