Wife Of The Year

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

Religions change; beer and wine remain. - Hervey Allen

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will. - Homer Simpson

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. - WC Fields

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

A meal of bread, cheese, and beer constitutes the perfect food. - Queen Elizabeth I

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife), but still my own. - Si Robertson

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows. - Unknown

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery. - Bill Murray

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - George Carlin

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle