Wife Of The Year

Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world. - Jack Nicholson

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. - Homer Simpson

Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Willhelm II

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

If you sang "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and counted all the numbers mentioned throughout the entire song, it would add up to 14,850. - Joe-kster