Wife Of The Year

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. - Unknown

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. - George Bernard Shaw

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. - Homer Simpson

Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Willhelm II

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN or beer. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars. - Unknown

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle