Wife Of The Year

Payday came and with it beer. - Rudyard Kipling

You can never buy beer, you just rent it. - Archie Bunker

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will. - Homer Simpson

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

What two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? - Sydney Smith

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. - Homer Simpson

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN or beer. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars. - Unknown

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon