Wife Consumption

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. - W H Auden

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle