Wife Consumption

Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays. - Aulus Persius Flaccus

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov

Current Events: 1. What an electrician worries about; 2. Electric shocks. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

Bob War: (Southern) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: 'Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.' - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it. - George Bernard Shaw

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - Ambrose Bierce

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon