QuotaBillsTake my wife - please! - Henny Youngman
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman
I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare
A round wife and a full barn are the signs of good success. - Amish Saying
The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson
In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown
Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman
Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle
Current Events: 1. What an electrician worries about; 2. Electric shocks. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde
My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman
When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip
A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen
Shady Character: A fellow who snoozes in a hammock under a tree while his wife mows the lawn - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas
In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield
I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line. - Elvis Presley
A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown
I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield
The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill
I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear
Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx
Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon