Wife Consumption

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad's payroll - and on to his wife's - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown