Wife Consumption

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man. - Saint John Chrysostom

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. - Irish Proverb

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife), but still my own. - Si Robertson

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown