Wife Consumption

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

Dead Ringer: A disconnected telephone - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man. - Saint John Chrysostom

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays. - Aulus Persius Flaccus

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

The Internet is a telephone system that's gotten uppity. - Clifford Stoll

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

The 3 fastest means of communication: Twitter; Telephone; Tell a woman. - Unknown

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad's payroll - and on to his wife's - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - Ambrose Bierce

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown