Wife Consumption

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller

Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

We're all just ghosts on a wire seeking the prick of an electric thought. - Robert Fanney

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife), but still my own. - Si Robertson

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it. - George Bernard Shaw

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds