Webster's First Dictionary

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

The woman that deliberates is lost. - Joseph Addison

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. - Cynthia Heimel

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! - Groucho Marx

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

I hate women because they always know where things are. - Voltaire

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad. - Oedipus Rex

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. - Stanley Baldwin

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. - Andre Maurois

Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Some say women are addicted to chocolate. I say we're merely loyal. - Cathy Guisewite

That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say no in any of them. - Dorothy Parker

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once or twice. - Eva Gabor

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F.M. Knowles

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. - Richard Pryor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead

And what is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing. - Geoffrey Chaucer

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - Helen Rowland

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. - Phyllis Diller

Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen

Women are like the police. They could have all the evidence in the world, but they still want the confession. - Chris Rock

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing. A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang Goethe

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler. - Francesca M. Cancian

Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts. - Roberta Flack

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

If a woman says, 'Do what you want', do not do what you want. Stand still. Do not blink. Don't even breathe. Just play dead. - Unknown

Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com