Webster's First Dictionary

Marry in haste, repent at leisure. - English Proverb

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones. - Helena Rubinstein

Americans like fat books and thin women. - Russell Baker

Put the light out, and all women are alike. - German Proverb

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx

Women in London must have learned not to breathe. - Irene Trimble

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

Before you marry keep both eyes open; after marriage shut one. - Jamaican Proverb

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro

Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another. - H L Mencken

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Most women are afraid of clowns, but somehow end up still dating one. - Unknown

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - H L Mencken

I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete. - Bette Davis

Marriage requires a special talent like acting. Monogamy requires genius. - Warren Beatty

If you have a boat and a happy marriage, you don't need another thing. - Ed McMahon

There is no place where success comes before work, except in the dictionary. - Donald Kimball

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen

I wanted to study to be a dental hygienist, marry a rich dentist, and hang it up. - Vicki Lawrence

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. - John Steinbeck

In Hollywood, the women are all peaches. It makes one long for an apple occasionally. - W Somerset Maugham

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water. - Eleanor Roosevelt

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. - Oscar Wilde

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. - Lewis Grizzard

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman. - Virginia Woolf

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

Of the two lots, the woman's lot of perpetual motherhood, and the man's of perpetual babyhood, I prefer the man's. - Bernard Shaw

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch

I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. - Mel Gibson

One advantage of marriage is that when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. - Judith Viorst