That's My Bed

Do it big or stay in bed. - Larry Kelly

A hard dog to keep on the porch. - Hillary Clinton

Dogs never bite me. Just humans. - Marilyn Monroe

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. - Unknown

A revolution is not a bed of roses. - Fidel Castro

A dog has the soul of a philosopher. - Plato

The view only changes for the lead dog. - Norman O. Brown

Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

You can't teach a young dog old tricks. - Warren Buffet

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. - Madame de Stael

Throw physic to the dogs; I'll none of it. - William Shakespeare

Flatterers looks like friends, as wolves like dogs. - George Chapman

To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady. - Wilson Mizner

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner

Kids don't remember their best day of television. - Unknown

With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. - WC Fields

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move. - Phyllis Diller

I often take exercise. Only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. - Oscar Wilde

Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson

It's great to get up in the morning, but nicer to lie in bed. - Unknown

In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. - Benjamin Franklin

It was a great interview process. They were fighting like cats and dogs. - Donald Trump

Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

The great majority of neuroses in women have their origin in the marriage bed. - Sigmund Freud

Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of. - Unknown

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. - Don Rickles

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

This is a Jewish cake - they give this to a Jewish kid before he gets circumscribed. - Archie Bunker

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. - Demetri Martin

If we would listen to our kids, we'd discover that they are largely self-explanatory. - Robert Brault

I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult. - Chris Hardwick

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them. - Harry Hill

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! - Jarod Kintz

It's not uncommon to see kids on the school bus reading books and doing homework on the bus. - Anthony Amero

Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs. - Martha Scott

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up. - Robert Lynd

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

Apparently, as a kid, I used to eat spiders. Maybe there's some Freudian significance behind that. - Matt Smith

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one. - Archie Bunker

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

The legacy I want to leave is a child-care system that says no kid is going to be left alone or left unsafe. - Marian Wright Edelman

What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life? - Lynette Mather

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed. - Ann Landers

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians,
and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. - Groucho Marx

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. - Rodney Dangerfield

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer

Dogs display reluctance and wrath
If you try to give them a bath;
They bury bones in hideaways
And half the time they trot sideaways. - Ogden Nash