That's My Bed

France is a dog-hole. - William Shakespeare

Every dog has his day. - Unknown

Sleeping dogs bark the loudest. - Archie Bunker

A hard dog to keep on the porch. - Hillary Clinton

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. - Unknown

I go through life like a Karate Kid. - Britney Spears

A dog has the soul of a philosopher. - Plato

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

The view only changes for the lead dog. - Norman O. Brown

Dogs that bark at a distance never bite. - Unknown

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. - Harry S Truman

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but cats can. - Unknown

When I was a kid everyone used to call me pork 'n. - Michael Biehn

You have to get up early if you want to get out of bed. - Groucho Marx

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. - WC Fields

You know what's cool? My kids think I'm ordinary. - Michael J. Fox

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise. - Ted Turner

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

I'm not afraid of spiders; I've had worse in my bed. - Donna Lynn Hope

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move. - Phyllis Diller

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey

As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal. - Mr. T

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P Jones

Raising kids make most people, including me, grow up at least a little. - Madonna

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

If it weren't for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no song. - Carl Perkins

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if he wanted to be one? - Jackie Mason

The great majority of neuroses in women have their origin in the marriage bed. - Sigmund Freud

I'm like the kid in kindergarten; I really do send valentines to everyone. - Susie Bright

I look like a real bag lady when I go to Starbucks with my dog and get my chai. - Shirley MacLaine

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs. - Alphonse de Lamartine

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of. - Unknown

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. - Don Rickles

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. - Rodney Dangerfield

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. - Demetri Martin

It's not the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain

I love working in Canada. The ovation is great. It makes me feel like I'm the top dog. - Owen Hart

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them. - Harry Hill

Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it, and work at it until it's done, and done right. - Walt Disney

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! - Jarod Kintz

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs. - Martha Scott

Apparently, as a kid, I used to eat spiders. Maybe there's some Freudian significance behind that. - Matt Smith

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

I was a huge bookworm as a kid, and you could usually find me reading something with a dragon on its cover. - Julie Kagawa

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed. - Ann Landers

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. - Phyllis Diller

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke

It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through. - Zig Ziglar

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? - Homer Simpson

Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the woman who once slept here not knowing that someday one of her worst fears would come true. - Jennifer Castle

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller