That's My Bed

Let fightin' dogs lie - Archie Bunker

Do it big or stay in bed. - Larry Kelly

A dog has the soul of a philosopher. - Plato

A hungry dog will eat dirty puddings. - Latin Proverb

Lassitude: A heroic dog with attitude - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

I'm good in bed. I can sleep all day. - Unknown

Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben

Great shot kid, that was one in a million. - Han Solo

You can't teach a young dog old tricks. - Warren Buffett

Germs: The only things kids will share freely - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Throw physic to the dogs; I'll none of it. - William Shakespeare

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. - Emo Philips

Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. - Unknown

One trained dog equals 60 search-and-rescue workers. - Charles Stoehr

With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo

When I was a kid everyone used to call me pork 'n. - Michael Biehn

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. - Leo Rosten

Better to be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion. - English Proverb

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

I'm not afraid of spiders; I've had worse in my bed. - Donna Lynn Hope

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bed is like the womb, only drier and with better TV reception. - Linda Richman

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer. - Leo Rosten

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw. - Eileen Curtright

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labour. - John Ciardi

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. - Unknown

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

It was a great interview process. They were fighting like cats and dogs. - Donald Trump

If it weren't for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no song. - Carl Perkins

Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. - Unknown

The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish. - Carrie Underwood

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

Raising boys is like raising puppies. One must take them for a walk every few hours. - Jody Defries

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. - Demetri Martin

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it, and work at it until it's done, and done right. - Walt Disney

Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs. - Martha Scott

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

Apparently, as a kid, I used to eat spiders. Maybe there's some Freudian significance behind that. - Matt Smith

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

Obama and his attack dogs have nothing but hate and anger in their hearts and spew it whenever possible. - Donald Trump

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life? - Lynette Mather

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very, very few people. - James Thurber

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed. - Ann Landers

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or Michael Jackson. - Bart Simpson

My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid; 'What am I going to do with two dead dogs?' - Gary Delaney

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

Dogs laugh, but the laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end. - Max Eastman

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

Among God's creatures two, the dog and the guitar, have taken all the sizes and all the shapes, in order not to be separated from the man. - Andres Segovia

What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait - I'm describing my bed again. - Bill Murray