Shopping Wait-er

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. - Irish Proverb

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife), but still my own. - Si Robertson

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

At the door of life, by the gate of breath, there are worse things waiting for men than death. - A.C. Swinburne The Triumph Of Time

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, So get on your way! - Dr. Seuss

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. - Amanda Eliasch

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

Waiting around to be perfect never amounts to anything. Don't be a waiter or you'll be serving other people. - Ian Desabrais

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

People shop and learn in a whole new way compared to just a few years ago, so marketers need to adapt or risk extinction. - Brian Halligan

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta

New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. - Yakov Smirnoff