Shopping Wait-er

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Racing is life. Everything else is just... waiting. - Steve McQueen

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde

Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting. - Cormac McCarthy

Men count up the faults of those who keep them waiting. - French Proverb

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

I have observed that there are more lines formed than things worth waiting for. - Robert Brault

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. - Bertrand Russell

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have. - Unknown

The world is more malleable than you think and it's waiting for you to hammer it into shape. - Bono

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. - Barack Obama