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Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright

You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, So get on your way! - Dr. Seuss

Plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. - Jose L Borges

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry

I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright

If you wait for perfect conditions to seize an opportunity, you'll be waiting till the day you die. - Mark Batterson

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad's payroll - and on to his wife's - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

People shop and learn in a whole new way compared to just a few years ago, so marketers need to adapt or risk extinction. - Brian Halligan

My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner

When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - Alain

New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com