#1 humor site on the 'net

London Eiffel Tower

My favourite part of London

London Eiffel Tower thanks to Emery Pettigrove

QuotaBills
No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley

Scotland is the Canada of England. - Rainn Wilson

I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West

Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce

He was not only a bore; he bored for England. - Malcolm Muggeridge

English Wrestling Champion: A lord of the ring - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Women in London must have learned not to breathe. - Irene Trimble

England can never be ruined except by a Parliament. - Lord Burleigh

He speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual too. - Don King

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

Germlish: Training done using a mixture of English & German - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The monarchical institution in England is immensely valuable. - Malcolm Muggeridge

The English have three vegetables and two of them are cabbage. - Walter Page

What Great Britain calls the Far East is to us the near north. - Robert Gordon Menzies

I like the Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas more than the actual one. - David LaChapelle

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki. - Nigel Starmer-Smith

If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English. - Wilfred Sheed

There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood. - Bob Hope

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity. - Gordie Howe

In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce. - Francesco Caracciolo

In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill

England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw

Britain's most useful role is somewhere between bee and dinosaur. - Harold MacMillan

The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world. - Oscar Wilde

England is an empire, Germany is a nation, a race, France is a person. - Jules Michelet

The English are not an inventive people; they don't eat enough pie. - Thomas Edison

The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm. - Alexander Woollcott

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London. - Bette Midler

I used to go missing a lot... Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World. - George Best

Civilization - a heap of rubble scavenged by scrawny English Lit. vultures. - Malcolm Muggeridge

The people of England are never so happy as when you tell them they are ruined. - Arthur Murphy

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

The most beautiful words in the English language are "cheque enclosed". - Dorothy Parker

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners. - George Mikes

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. - Groucho Marx

Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If I had an ego as big as the Eiffel Tower, would I have won this many collective trophies? - Zlatan Ibrahimovic

The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard

I want a house with a garden, but slap bang in the centre of London. Next door to a sushi bar. - Michelle Dockery

A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for a man in London if he has a comfortable income. - George Bernard Shaw

Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle

Diatribe: 1. An extinct race; 2. The group of native Brits that worship the late Princess Diana. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. - Unknown

Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. - Oscar Wilde

Although he tortures the English language, he has not yet succeeded in forcing it to reveal its meaning. - J B Morton

I alone of English writers have consciously set myself to make music out of what I may call the sound of sense. - Robert Frost

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

If it is good to have one foot in England, it is still better, or at least as good, to have the other out of it. - Henry James

No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country - oughta be de-exported the hell outta here! - Archie Bunker

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

If the English language made any sense, 'lackadaisical' would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - Doug Larson

The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor." - Hal Eaton

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done. - Ronnie Corbett

Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt

Englishmen learn Christ's law best in English. Moses heard God's law in his own tongue; so did Christ's apostles. - John Wycliffe

'Good English' is whatever educated people talk; so that what is good in one place or time would not be so in another. - C S Lewis

The Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower. They're monumental. They're straight out of Page 52 in your school history book. - Billy Crystal

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan

I think what's going on with gorillas is pretty bad. The fact is that you can buy gorilla meat in London any day you want it. - Adam Ant

It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan

In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast. That is so dreadful of them! Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. - Oscar Wilde

The English eat all sorts of birds - pigeons, ducks, sparrows - but if you tell them you eat puffin, you might as well come from Mars. - Bjork

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

Cricket - a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity. - Lord Mancroft

Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory. - Bernie Taupin


Olympic Torch Bearers

Lethal Weapon

Cell Shaver

Getting Goosed

No Swimming

Drift Racing

Alligators vs. Crocodiles

Cure for Internet Addiction

Seal LOL

Keyboard Seating

Illusive Dice

Cockroach Cancer

Time Management

People Crossing

Cozy Home

Redneck Faucet

Duck That Did Not Duck

Chewie, We're Home

Introducing the iPhone 20

Meateor

Ancient Shiloh

British Accountant

Ruling On Criticism

Going Into Space