Gas-Resistant Pram

Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

No one vinces me, baby - Michael Grant

Baby lying in the bassinoot. - Archie Bunker

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. - Carl Sandburg

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers

You take more pictures of your baby than NASA does of Mars. - Unknown

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

Every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last. - Charles Dickens

After your death, you will be what you were before your birth. - Arthur Schopenhauer

If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters. - Nora Ephron

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a New Wave baby, so I got very stimulated by foreign film. - Jack Nicholson

My Birth Certificate is so old, it's written in Roman Numerals. - Bill Carter

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love. - Stendhal

I love you like crazy, baby
'Cuz I'd go crazy without you. - Pixie Foudre

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. - Shannon Fife

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. - Mary Marsh

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake

An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed. - Queen Victoria

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. - Jaden Smith

When I go home, I play with my baby dolls and strollers and diaper bags, and play with my sisters. - Dakota Fanning

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. - Will Rogers

The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein

I never used to like babies. I'd always thought if a baby were more like a chimpanzee, I'd have one. - Candice Bergen

Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved. - Mark Twain

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. - Yakov Smirnoff

Menopause: because nature decided that pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and stretch marks wasn't enough. - Unknown

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

No one ever wants to see his or her name linked to anything bad. Conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can. - Harvey Mackay

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? - George Carlin

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt