Christmas Sidecar

Thank God kids never mean well. - Lily Tomlin

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher

Raising kids make most people, including me, grow up at least a little. - Madonna

Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking. - Unknown

All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

Hopefully, kids realize you can do anything you want. Skateboarding can be that gateway. - Ryan Sheckler

A rich person should leave his kids enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing. - Warren Buffet

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! - Jarod Kintz

You know how kids dream of being soccer players or actors? Well, my dream was to be a sushi chef. - Nobu Matsuhisa

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one. - Archie Bunker

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or Michael Jackson. - Bart Simpson

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

When it comes to hockey, it's been in my blood since I was 3 or 4 years old. I love coaching the kids, especially at that level. - Mario Lemieux

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? - Homer Simpson

If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer