Nice Try, Mom

My diet is like Atkins, but with the carbs. - BJ Penn

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright

Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. - Stephen King

Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. - Unknown

My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why. - Bernard Baruch

I know enough to know that when you're in a pickle... call Mom. - Jennifer Garner

Give me Caviar Kaspia and give me a hamburger. I love the two extremes. - Michael Kors

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. - Phyllis Diller

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. - Amy Sedaris

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind

In Hollywood, the women are all peaches. It makes one long for an apple occasionally. - W Somerset Maugham

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke

Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious. - Bill Meyer

What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown

Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi

I have done a Hamburger Helper commercial, a Hardees commercial, a McDonalds commercial. American Express commercial. - Luke Benward

Spare the rod and spoil the child - that is true. But, beside the rod, keep an apple to give him when he has done well. - Martin Luther

In Hollywood, you play a mom, and the next thing you know, you're on The Golden Girls. They age you so fast. - Gabrielle Union

A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned now to cook. - Andy Rooney

Confidence is beautiful, no matter your size, no matter your weight. Be confident in who you are and you'll be beautiful. - Unknown

Why something in the public interest such as television news can be fought over, like a chain of hamburger stands, eludes me. - Jimmy Breslin

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock