Merry House

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A spotless house is a sign of a misspent life. - Unknown

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West

There are no elevators in the house of success. - H.H. Vreeland

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

One aged man - one man - can't fill a house. - Robert Frost

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

Better a hundred enemies outside the house than one inside. - Arabic proverb

Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

Go often to the house of a friend, for weeds choke the unused path. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bricks may make a house, but the laughter of children makes a home. - Irish Proverb

When you're on a merry-go-round, you miss a lot of the scenery. - Neil Diamond

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

Who marries for love without money has merry nights and sorry days. - Scottish Proverb

At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. - Rose Macaulay

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne Barr

In the haunted house of life, art is the only stair that doesn't creak. - Tom Robbins

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. - Steven Wright

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house. - Bono

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. - Jay Leno

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. - Plautus

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies. - Neil Gaiman

There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan

When I moved out of my mom's house at 18 I was almost as sad to leave her sewing machine behind as anything else. - Beth Ditto

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson

Science is built of facts the way a house is built of bricks; but an accumulation of facts is no more science than a pile of bricks is a house. - Henri Poincare

Wise sayings are not only for ornament, but for action and business, having a point or edge, whereby knots in business are pierced and discovered. - Lord Francis Bacon

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon