Merry House

Art is a house that tries to be haunted. - Emily Dickinson

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

It is easier to demolish a house than to build one. - Irish proverb

Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house. - Unknown

Better a hundred enemies outside the house than one inside. - Arabic proverb

I can't clean house and save the world at the same time. - Unknown

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. - Rose Macaulay

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne Barr

A man hath no better thing under the sun than to eat, drink, and be merry. - Ecclesiastes 8:15

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house. - Bono

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. - WC Fields

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. - Jay Leno

If you want to see me, come over anytime. If you want to see my house, make an appointment. - Unknown

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

Maybe I'd like to run around the house in my drawers, and with her here, I felt inhabited. - Archie Bunker

It's not my fault I was dragged out of my house by a mob and forced to predict the weather. - Punxsutawney Phil

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs. - Steven Wright

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

Lawyers are like painters - once they get into a house, you never know when you will get rid of them again. - Peter A Graham

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies. - Neil Gaiman

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. - Steven Wright

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad.
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

Science is built of facts the way a house is built of bricks; but an accumulation of facts is no more science than a pile of bricks is a house. - Henri Poincare

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon