Merry House

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A road to a friend's house is never long. - Danish Proverb

The words you speak become the house you live in. - Hafiz

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind. - The Bible

Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

I have so much hair, I have a separate wig closet in my house. - Sherri Shepherd

Who marries for love without money has merry nights and sorry days. - Scottish Proverb

Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's house is in flames. - Horace

Don't talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung. - Colin Farrell

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. - Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

Someone told me I was immature. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now? - Unknown

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. - WC Fields

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old age. - Aristotle

A gentleman should never leave the house without a sharp knife, a good watch, and great hat. - Unknown

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house. - Archie Bunker

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his. - William Shakespeare

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. - Plautus

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

In France we leave unmolested those who set fire to the house, and persecute those who sound the alarm. - Sebastien Chamfort

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

The Honourable Lady was once an egg and people on both sides of this House greatly regret its fertilisation. - Nicholas Fairbairn

Can we be casual in the work of God—casual when the house is on fire, and people in danger of being burned? - Duncan Campbell

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies. - Neil Gaiman

A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa. - Mark Zuckerberg

Eden is that old-fashioned house
We dwell in every day
Without suspecting our abode
Until we drive away. - Emily Dickinson

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert. I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house-top. - Bible

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson

Charity is a very personal equation, like we say charity begins at home. It starts with your immediate help in the house: the people who work for you. - Malaika A. Khan