Happy Mother's Day

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Gin was mother's milk to her. - George Bernard Shaw

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

The phrase working mother is redundant. - Jane Sellman

Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato

Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. - Jay Leno

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. - Unknown

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. - Ray Romano

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields

The only mothers it is safe to forget on Mother's Day are the good ones. - Mignon McLaughlin

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. - Henny Youngman

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

Your mother's down there throwing a monkey wrench into the halls of justice. - Archie Bunker

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

Middle Age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. - Harold Coffin

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump

If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. - Booker T. Washington

In Hollywood, you play a mom, and the next thing you know, you're on The Golden Girls. They age you so fast. - Gabrielle Union

So long as the mother, ignorance, lives, it is not safe for science, the offspring, to divulge the hidden cause of things. - Johannes Kepler

By embracing your mother wound as your yoga, you transform what has been a hindrance in your life into a teacher of the heart. - Phillip Moffitt

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

The rhythm of the footsteps, the sound of whatever is coming down the ladder is driving both me and my mom steadily toward peeing our pants. - Kendare Blake

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller

Chutzpa is that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. - Leo Rosten