Girlfriends

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

I'm not aging, I'm marinating. - Unknown

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

Here's to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet. - Groucho Marx

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Do you Edith....take Archie Bunker to be your lawfully bedded husband? - Archie Bunker

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me. - Bette Midler

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend. - Jack Nicholson

If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America. - Donald Trump

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

I don't sit around thinking that I'd like to have another husband; only another man would make me think that way. - Lauren Bacall

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me. - Randy Kagan

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer