Girlfriends

To stop aging, keep on raging. - Michael Forbes

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

My husband's idea of a good night out is a good night in. - Maureen Lipman

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Do you Edith....take Archie Bunker to be your lawfully bedded husband? - Archie Bunker

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. - Tom Ward

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Mirror: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America. - Donald Trump

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid; 'What am I going to do with two dead dogs?' - Gary Delaney

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks. - Rick Lantern

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Aging: 1. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. A one-way street with no stoplights. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer