Girlfriends

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

I'm not aging, I'm marinating. - Unknown

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

My husband is a general's chauffeur somewhere in France. - Lillie Langtry

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. - Daniel F E Auber

My husband's idea of a good night out is a good night in. - Maureen Lipman

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. - Unknown

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

The husband who desires to surprise is often very much surprised himself. - Voltaire

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. - Tom Ward

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. - David Bowie

Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband. - American Proverb

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks. - Rick Lantern

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me. - Randy Kagan

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer