Girlfriends

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

My husband is a general's chauffeur somewhere in France. - Lillie Langtry

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. - Unknown

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Do you Edith....take Archie Bunker to be your lawfully bedded husband? - Archie Bunker

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. - Groucho Marx

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

I don't sit around thinking that I'd like to have another husband; only another man would make me think that way. - Lauren Bacall

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller