Police responses to those with almost-good ticket excuses
1. "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.
They’ll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you."
6. "You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
13. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
(National Crime Information Center)
14. "Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?"
15. "I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?
You’re right, we don’t. Sign here."
The crime of loving is forgetting. - Maurice Chevalier
Not failure, but low aim, is crime. - J. R. Lowell
All people look better under arrest. - John Waters
Procrastination is the thief of time. - Edward Young
Crime does not pay as well as politics. - Alfred E. Newman
A friend to honesty and a foe to crime. - Allan Pinkerton
Goose Bumps: To keep geese from speeding - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
An art thief is a man who takes pictures. - George Carlin
Suspicion often creates what it suspects. - C S Lewis
Show me a liar, and I'll show you a thief. - George Herbert
Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime. - Aristotle
Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime. - G. Gordon Liddy
Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper? - Princess Leia
Is it a bigger crime to rob a bank or to open one? - Ted Allan
The police must obey the law while enforcing the law. - Earl Warren
Stop crime at its source - support planned parenthood. - Robert Byrne
You can't stop a thing by makin' a crime of it. - Kin Hubbard
I think crime pays. The hours are good, and you travel a lot. - Woody Allen
Police Station: A place where sleeping is all right in a pinch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused. - Freda Adler
Don King is a big ... thief, and everyone in this room knows it. - Donald Trump
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist. - George Carlin
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore
It is a lot harder now to be a police officer than what it used to be. - Steven Seagal
The world's second-most crime is boredom; the first is being a bore. - Cecil Beaton
When a police officer tells you to stay in the car, you stay in the car. - Reese Witherspoon
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. - Vladimir Nabokov
Sleeping is my drug; my bed is my dealer; and my alarm clock is the police. - Unknown
I wanted a man who wouldn't stray so I'm dating a guy on house arrest. - Kim Bove
The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley
Outside of the killings, D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry
I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. - J.D. Salinger
Tabloid: 1. A newspaper with a permanent crime wave; 2. A screamlined newspaper. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. - Ernest Hemingway
Let's commit the perfect crime. I'll steal your heart, and you steal mine. - Meryl Streep
I took a physical for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft. - Milton Berle
Police: The only people who are paid to go around pinching people in the wrong places - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Blind commitment to a theory is not an intellectual virtue: it is an intellectual crime. - Imre Lakatos
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? - George Carlin
He was always late on principle; his principle being that punctuality is the thief of time. - Oscar Wilde
There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend. - Jack Nicholson
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. - Josh Billings
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. - Ronnie Corbett
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The police feel that most of the public are against them and that there is a lot of bad feeling. - Peter James
Police officers may drive black and white cars, however what goes on in their job is a lot of gray. - Arik Matson
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business. - Will Rogers
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard
Many commit the same crime with very different results. One bears a cross for his crime, the other a crown. - Juvenal
Women are like the police. They could have all the evidence in the world, but they still want the confession. - Chris Rock
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. - Steven Wright
The true identity theft is not financial. It's not in cyberspace. It's spiritual. It's been taken. - Stephen Covey
The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him. - G K Chesterton
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. - Jay Leno
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase
For all of the fights I have had in my life, both on and off the ice, I have only been in the back of a cop car once. - Tie Domi
At the end of a marathon, it's going to hurt whether you're speeding up or slowing down. You may as well push. - Summer Sanders
I'm being kidnapped by a comforter, sheet and pillow. No need to call the police for I will be released by morning. - Unknown
When I was a kid, one cop could have taken care of the whole neighborhood. Now, one cop wouldn't be safe in the neighborhood. - Mike Royko
There is a blessed necessity by which the interest of men is always driving them to the right, and making all crime mean and ugly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think our police are excellent, probably because I have not done anything that has occasioned being beaten up by these good men. - Clement Freud
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. - Yakov Smirnoff
One of the fondest expressions around is that we can't be the world's policeman. But guess who gets called when suddenly someone needs a cop. - Colin Powell