#1 humor site on the 'net

Proof That Elves Exist

There's no place like Gnome!

Proof That Elves Exist thanks to Idske Mulder, The Netherlands

House building in Gnome, Alaska

QuotaBills
Ideal Guest: One who stays at home - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman

Peace - that was the other name for home. - Kathleen Norris

Wherever you are is my home - my only home. - Charlotte Bronte

In the ant's house, the dew is a flood. - Danish Proverb

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

I have put out my books and now my house has a soul. - Cicero

Home is any four walls that enclose the right person. - Helen Rowland

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Unknown

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. - Christian Morgenstern

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. - Unknown

Peace and a well-built house cannot be bought too dearly. - Danish Proverb

Mother is the home we come from. She is nature, soil, ocean. - Erich Fromm

A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde

God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done. - Unknown

I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas. - Hillary Clinton

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

Go big or go home. Because it's true. What do you have to lose? - Eliza Dushku

It's very hard to make a home for a man if he's always in it. - Winifred Kirkland

Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's house is in flames. - Horace

Tell her I ain't crawlin' home to her with my tail between her legs. - Archie Bunker

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. - Steven Wright

The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers

Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. - John E Pearce

The power of finding beauty in the humblest things makes home happy and life lovely. - Louisa May Alcott

A person is happiest whether they be rich or poor, when there is peace in their home. - Unknown

I love cats because I enjoy my home, and little by little they become its visible soul. - Jean Cocteau

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby

A gentleman should never leave the house without a sharp knife, a good watch, and great hat. - Unknown

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need. - Sarah B Breathnach

I want a house with a garden, but slap bang in the centre of London. Next door to a sushi bar. - Michelle Dockery

Crafting fills my life, and my closets, and my drawers, and every empty tote bag in the house. - Unknown

Said the daughter: "I don't have to help my Mom with the housework. She knows how." - Unknown

Stomach: 1. The home of the swallow; 2. A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I'm making wine at home, but I'm making it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically. - Steven Wright

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. - Plautus

You leave home to seek your fortune and, when you get it, you go home and share it with your family. - Anita Baker

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. - Erma Bombeck

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

You can go other places - you can live on the other side of the world, but you can't ever leave home. - Sue M Kidd

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies. - Neil Gaiman

Monkey: 1. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees; 2. A key that won't open a door. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

You reached into my soul and rearranged the position of my bones,
You rebuilt my rib cage so your heart could be home. - Unknown

Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock. - Ronald Reagan

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert. I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house-top. - Bible

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

Camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home. - Yvonne Prinz

Returning home is the most difficult part of long-distance hiking. You have grown outside the puzzle and your piece no longer fits. - Cindy Ross

Talking is a hydrant in the yard and writing is a faucet upstairs in the house. Opening the first takes the pressure off the second. - Robert Frost

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answers to, in the strongest conjuration. - Charles Dickens

I am a gypsy. I haven't had a home for a long time. Call me a homeless person - I just throw everything in a bag and I'm good to go. - Taylor Kinney

Perhaps someday I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow. - Sylvia Plath

I love working for myself from home. I get along with everyone in the office; I can show up in pajamas, and I always win Employee of the Month. - Missy Miwac

Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home. - Edith Sitwell


Reach For Your Dreams

Perception

Jeopardy Measuring Cup

All We Have To Do Is Stand Up

Vacuum Extender

BrownEes

Chinese Puzzle Car

Always Give 100% At Work

Ancient Politician

My Toaster Is Broken

Shining Stars

Tunnel Face

The Bugs Are Bad This Year

Dog Spa

Ostrich Imprint

Local Crabs

World's First Hard Hat

Bird Melons

Bag Hang-Up

LippoPotumus

Haircut For Staff Meetings

Wolf Mode

Undertaker Bike

Throwaway Sport Paper