Ultimate Breakup

If the phone doesn't ring it's me. - Jimmy Buffett

Always say no, and you will never by married. - French Proverb

In married life three is company and two is none. - Oscar Wilde

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. - Margot Asquith

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. - Ernest Hemingway

There is no perfect marriage, for there are no perfect men. - French Proverb

I think "Hail to the Chief" has a nice ring to it. - John F Kennedy

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage." - Herbert Spencer

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. - Amy Grant

The general rule is that people who enjoy life also enjoy marriage. - Phyllis Battelle

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. - Red Skelton

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside. - Frank Pittman

I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco sauce. - Susan Vass

I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. - Richard Pryor

The great majority of neuroses in women have their origin in the marriage bed. - Sigmund Freud

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. - John Steinbeck

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. - Leonardo da Vinci

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. - Lewis Grizzard

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing. A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang Goethe

Marriage is like a beleaguered fortress: those who are outside want to get in, and those inside want to get out. - French Proverb

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the only miracle the Vatican has overlooked. - Bill Cosby

It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. - Axl Rose

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing. - Ogden Nash

I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you. - Richard Harris

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx