Maid Confusion

Americans like fat books and thin women. - Russell Baker

When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. - Oscar Wilde

I've been told I'm a role model to many women. - Donald Trump

Women would not be prostitutes if it were not for men. - Baroness Vickers

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. - Marcel Achard

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. - Steve Martin

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed. - Henny Youngman

Surely a pretty woman never looks prettier than when making tea. - Mary E. Braddon

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields

The three words every woman really longs to hear: I'll clean up. - Molly Shannon

Most women are afraid of clowns, but somehow end up still dating one. - Unknown

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you. - Roger Ebert

Back then the women had babies, which they called in them days, begatten. - Archie Bunker

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

I think there was confusion between Martha's "Apprentice" and mine. - Donald Trump

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German. - Emperor Charles V

In Hollywood, the women are all peaches. It makes one long for an apple occasionally. - W Somerset Maugham

A consultant is a man who knows 147 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women. - Unknown

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain. - Oscar Wilde

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde

Nothing changes the gender equation more significantly than women's economic freedom. - Gloria Steinem

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious. - Oscar Wilde

Some old women and men grow bitter with age. The more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get. - George D. Prentice

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. - George Bernard Shaw

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age; a woman who would tell one would tell one anything. - Oscar Wilde

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass." - Phyllis Diller

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash

Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing. A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang Goethe

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

Like many other women, I could not understand why every man who changed a diaper has felt impelled, in recent years, to write a book about it. - Barbara Ehrenreich

Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren

A woman with confidence is hypnotic. A smile is mesmerizing. Presence, openness, a sense of humor - these are all things that make a woman attractive. - Jessica Ortner