Birth Control At Its Finest

Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Borscht: Beet soup with high blood pressure - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. - Rodney Dangerfield

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. - Hubert H Humphrey

Surgeon: The person who was a cut-up at medical school - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Why is it we never get our bad medicine in small doses? - Edmund H North

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets

Water Hazard: Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher

Save one life, you're a hero. Save 100 lives, you're a nurse. - Unknown

Bed and Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? - Benny Hill

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller

Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one. - Archie Bunker

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler

I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver