Redneck Auto Mechanic

Khaki: A thing for starting a car - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Chop your own path. Get off the car track. - A.Y. Jackson

Feminism is a wonderful idea until the car goes wrong. - Nicola Zweig

The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. - John F Kennedy

Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built. - Henry Ford

I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy. - Steven Wright

The shortest distance between two points is usually under repair. - Unknown

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - Carrie Snow

When a police officer tells you to stay in the car, you stay in the car. - Reese Witherspoon

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste. One takes to it immediately. - Eleanor R. Belmont

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. - Rodney Dangerfield

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. - Tim Allen

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing. - Steven Wright

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries

I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. - Tom Clark

The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical. - Murray Walker

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. - Steven Wright

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

There are only 3 true sports: mountain climbing, bull fighting and auto racing. All the rest are games. - Ernest Hemingway

We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. - Virginia Satir

It is questionable if all the mechanical inventions yet made have lightened the day's toil of any human being. - John S Mill

Poverty: 1. A state of mind sometimes induced by a neighbour's new car; 2. One thing that money can't buy. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan

A designer is an emerging synthesis of artist, inventor, mechanic, objective economist and evolutionary strategist. - R. Buckminster Fuller

Do you think you're safe in a car with your seatbelt on? Dream on. My friend thought so. Now she's pregnant. - Anke Engelke

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. - Steven Wright

The minute there's a map, there is no art. Paint by numbers is not art. Paint by numbers is a mechanical activity. - Seth Godin

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car. - Garrison Keillor

Did you hear about the auto worker who was offered a position as president of a bank but couldn't afford the pay cut? - Unknown

I'm not a car guy. The subway gets me where I need to go efficiently and cheaply, and I don't worry about traffic. - Joe Scarborough

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - Unknown

Tonight we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame. - Ronnie Corbett

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. - Judith Viorst

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. - Theodore Roosevelt