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Fart Facts thanks to Barry McCartney

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Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

Fashion saves a lot more lives than doctors. - Bruno Gehard

Cut Rates: What surgeons charge their patients. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The No. 1 cause of bankruptcies is medical bills. - Michael Moore

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Somebody must get the incompetent lawyers and doctors. - George Bernard Shaw

Surgeon: The person who was a cut-up at medical school - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

If you wish to die young, make your physician your heir. - Romania Proverb

Mental Block: A street on which several psychiatrists live - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler

Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb

Be kind to your dentist because he has "fillings" too. - Unknown

Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist's bills. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. - Phyllis Diller

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett

Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things. - Gilbert Gottfried

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist. - Joseph Heller

The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. - Rodney Dangerfield

When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense. - Beau M

It is said to be the manner of hypochondriacs to change often their physician. - William Cullen

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of the most medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I wanted to study to be a dental hygienist, marry a rich dentist, and hang it up. - Vicki Lawrence

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

What clinical lectures I will give in heaven, demonstrating the ignorance of doctors! - Israel Zangwill

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentist's drill. - Leonard Woolf

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold

A physician buries his mistakes, a dentist pulls them out, but a teacher has to live with them. - Unknown

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler

I live at the dentist's. I'm on my third set of teeth that they put in with nails and screws. - Charles N. Reilly

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon. - Eric Ericksen

Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci

To the person with a toothache, even if the world is tottering, there is nothing more important than a visit to a dentist. - George Bernard Shaw

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain. - Rick Baker

Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off of your life. Based on that math, I should have died in 1732. - Unknown

A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair

Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

A physician's physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric's divinity has to his power of influencing conduct. - Samuel Butler

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


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