A Mother's Day Special

Necessity is the mother of taking chances. - Mark Twain

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. - Spanish Proverb

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's. - Princess Diana

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed - I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

When a man who is drinking neat gin starts talking about his mother he is past all argument. - C.S. Forester

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

Said the daughter: "I don't have to help my Mom with the housework. She knows how." - Unknown

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. - Erma Bombeck

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized that to many people he is not a sex symbol, but a mother image. - David Bowie

The rhythm of the footsteps, the sound of whatever is coming down the ladder is driving both me and my mom steadily toward peeing our pants. - Kendare Blake

How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx