A Mother's Day Special

Margin: Mother's ruin. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

Ignorance is the mother of admiration. - George Chapman

Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. - Nancy Friday

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend. - Unknown

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. - Mark Twain

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle. - Phyllis Diller

Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother willing to let him have one. - Unknown

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

When you are looking at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know. - Charley Benetto

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

If you get a diagnosis, get on a therapy, keep a good attitude and keep your sense of humor. - Teri Garr

Wise Husband: One who buys his wife such fine china she won't trust him to wash the dishes - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman

Food: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta

In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon. - Kurt Vonnegut

My mother was a reader, and she read to us. She read us Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I was six and my brother was eight. I never forgot it. - Stephen King

Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren

Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds