Newfie Parking

Parking is such street sorrow. - Herb Caen

Chop your own path. Get off the car track. - A.Y. Jackson

Didn't he take the exercise tax off cars? - Archie Bunker

Room service - don't send up any more ice. - WC Fields

Feminism is a wonderful idea until the car goes wrong. - Nicola Zweig

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! - Groucho Marx

I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy. - Steven Wright

Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. - Budd Schulberg

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore

Life is too short to eat vanilla ice cream and dance with boring men. - Unknown

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior". - Rita Rudner

I see religion more as a truck stop on your way to figuring out who you are. - Brad Pitt

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste. One takes to it immediately. - Eleanor R. Belmont

The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear. - Josh Billins

The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. - Murray Walker

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills: making the last car payment. - Unknown

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. - Bill Vaughan

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. - Tim Allen

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones

I like ice hockey. No one is ever going to ask me to write about that as a metaphor for life. - Steven Pinker

The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical. - Murray Walker

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. - Steven Wright

If I weren't skateboarding, I'd love to race cars. I like anything that's fast and active. - Ryan Sheckler

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes. - Homer Simpson

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. - Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. - Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. - Steven Wright

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

When you're stressed, eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is desserts. - Unknown

She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!" - Red Skelton

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. - George Carlin

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - Unknown

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living." - Henny Youngman

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright