Husband of the Year

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me. - Bette Midler

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There's a dead bird." He looked up. - Phyllis Diller

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon