Husband of the Year

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

I'm not aging, I'm marinating. - Unknown

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Jello: The only food your husband has ever learned to cook - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There's a dead bird." He looked up. - Phyllis Diller

If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America. - Donald Trump

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

Model Wife: One who, when she spades the garden, picks up the fish worms and saves them for her husband - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon