Christmas Thrones

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. - Garth Brooks

Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

Like toilet paper, laughter is in short supply these days. - Phil Callaway

Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue. - Joseph Addison

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. - Virginia Woolf

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

Those gifts are ever the most acceptable which the giver has made precious. - Ovid

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old age. - Aristotle

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

The purpose of life is to discover your gifts, and the meaning of life is to give them away. - Martin Seligman

One of the most important gifts we have in television - the ability to heal through laughter. - Soleil M Frye

Jitterbug: 1. A Scotchman in front of a pay toilet; 2. Insect that's had too much coffee. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon

With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

We are each given a limitless capacity to love and attain wisdom. The extent we use these gifts is our choice. - Anthony Douglas

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

Technology is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other. - Carrie Snow

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle