House Appraisal

What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman

There are no elevators in the house of success. - H.H. Vreeland

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

Hot flushes and mentalpause. House of ill refute. - Archie Bunker

There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort. - Jane Austen

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. - Christion Morgenstern

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. - Unknown

I think housework is the reason most women go to the office. - Heloise Cruse

God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done. - Unknown

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family. - Mother Teresa

Welcome to our home. And as yous people say "shaboom" (shalom) - Archie Bunker

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. - Robert Frost

Italy is the home of art and swindling; home of religion and moral rottenness. - Mark Twain

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. - Steven Wright

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store. - Kin Hubbard

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house. - Bono

What is the use of a house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on? - Henry David Thoreau

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

A gentleman should never leave the house without a sharp knife, a good watch, and great hat. - Unknown

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house. - Archie Bunker

If we build in the desert, let the house know the desert and the desert be proud of the house. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I'm making wine at home, but I'm making it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically. - Steven Wright

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. - Quentin Crisp

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow. - Lin Yutang

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate.
What's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House? - Will Rogers

We can't win at home, we can't win away. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. - Jock Brown

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

You reached into my soul and rearranged the position of my bones,
You rebuilt my rib cage so your heart could be home. - Unknown

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Steven Wright

An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans. - Kelli Jae Baeli

Charity is a very personal equation, like we say charity begins at home. It starts with your immediate help in the house: the people who work for you. - Malaika A. Khan