Change Of The Guard - Summer in London

England is a nation of shopkeepers. - Napoleon Bonaparte

I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. - Warren Buffett

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face. - Johnny Carson

The English contribution to world cuisine. The chip. - John Cleese

I feel old when I see mousse in my opponent's hair. - Andre Aggassi

Every day People straighten up the hair, why not the heart? - Ernesto Guevara

The English winter - ending in July, to recommence in August. - Lord Byron

He doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange. - Gerald Ford

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. - P G Wodehouse

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity. - Gordie Howe

To eat well in England you should have breakfast three times a day. - W Somerset Maugham

I have little hair because my brain is so big it pushes the hair out. - Silvio Berlusconi

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - Lily Tomlin

Civilization - a heap of rubble scavenged by scrawny English Lit. vultures. - Malcolm Muggeridge

There are ways of singing in English that are not just the same as in French. - Coeur de Pirate

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

The most beautiful words in the English language are "cheque enclosed". - Dorothy Parker

Humour is practically the only thing about which the English are utterly serious. - Malcolm Muggeridge

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners. - George Mikes

There's nothing like an English weirdo. We have the best nutters in the world. - Sharon Osbourne

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles. - Garrison Keillor

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity. - Oscar Wilde

Do I have a large frog in my hair? I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten. - Joaquin Phoenix

It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less with baldness. - Cicero

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. - Steven Wright

In America, the policeman is a working-class hero. In England, the policeman is a working-class traitor. - Martin Amis

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country - oughta be de-exported the hell outta here! - Archie Bunker

The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor." - Hal Eaton

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower. - Elayne Boosler

Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt

The English eat all sorts of birds - pigeons, ducks, sparrows - but if you tell them you eat puffin, you might as well come from Mars. - Bjork

You know, sometimes I feel well and vital in the world, and sometimes I just feel so distressed I want to pull my hair out by the roots. - Sharon Stone

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

Cricket - a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity. - Lord Mancroft

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor

Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory. - Bernie Taupin