Redneck House Cleaning

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A spotless house is a sign of a misspent life. - Unknown

There will be no whitewash at the White House. - Richard M Nixon

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves. - Italian Proverb

Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house. - Unknown

He's got that big house to maintain in San Clemency. - Archie Bunker

Don't talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung. - Colin Farrell

When the snake is in the house, one need not discuss the matter at length. - African Saying

In the haunted house of life, art is the only stair that doesn't creak. - Tom Robbins

I wanted a man who wouldn't stray so I'm dating a guy on house arrest. - Kim Bove

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. - Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. - Jay Leno

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. - Oscar Wilde

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

A gentleman should never leave the house without a sharp knife, a good watch, and great hat. - Unknown

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house. - Archie Bunker

Maybe I'd like to run around the house in my drawers, and with her here, I felt inhabited. - Archie Bunker

If we build in the desert, let the house know the desert and the desert be proud of the house. - Frank Lloyd Wright

The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women - one cleaning and the other dusting. - Maurenn Murphy

It's not my fault I was dragged out of my house by a mob and forced to predict the weather. - Punxsutawney Phil

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. - WC Fields

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. - Steven Wright

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate.
What's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House? - Will Rogers

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Steven Wright

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies." - Phyllis Diller

At fifty, the madwoman in the attic breaks loose, stomps down the stairs, and sets fire to the house. She won't be imprisoned anymore. - Erica Jong

Science is built of facts the way a house is built of bricks; but an accumulation of facts is no more science than a pile of bricks is a house. - Henri Poincare

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion... I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. - Kurt Vonnegut