Redneck House Cleaning

Life is too short to drink the house wine. - Helen Thomas

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A road to a friend's house is never long. - Danish Proverb

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

He'd go through the house like Typhoon Mary. - Archie Bunker

One aged man - one man - can't fill a house. - Robert Frost

Hot flushes and mentalpause. House of ill refute. - Archie Bunker

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind. - The Bible

I can't clean house and save the world at the same time. - Unknown

An empty purse and a new house make a man wise, but too late. - Portuguese Proverb

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. - Rose Macaulay

Hidin' out in the house all the time, like some Bantam of the Opera. - Archie Bunker

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When the snake is in the house, one need not discuss the matter at length. - African Saying

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. - Steven Wright

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house. - Bono

Someone told me I was immature. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now? - Unknown

I love contemporary art, although I wouldn't want a pickled shark in my house. - Bruno Tonioli

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. - Oscar Wilde

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

If you burn your neighbor's house down, it doesn't make your house look any better. - Lou Holtz

A gentleman should never leave the house without a sharp knife, a good watch, and great hat. - Unknown

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house. - Archie Bunker

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs. - Steven Wright

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. - Plautus

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert. I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house-top. - Bible

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. - Steven Wright

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Steven Wright

Science is built of facts the way a house is built of bricks; but an accumulation of facts is no more science than a pile of bricks is a house. - Henri Poincare

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion... I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. - Kurt Vonnegut