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Groundhog Crisis

Phoenix Faces 13 More Years of Summer!

Groundhog Crisis thanks to Cherei McCarter

Rattlesnake to replace groundhog's shadow

Phoenix, Arizona 1-Feb-2006 [JP]:   Phoenix Phil, Arizona’s official groundhog, was buried alive beneath a recently constructed Wal-Mart parking lot. Therefore, he will not appear on Groundhog Day and forecast the weather by looking for his shadow.

“That groundhog, he was a gonner,” explained Governor Janet Napolitaneo.

“There is no precedent for the groundhog not showing up,” said Arizona State Senator Jack Dubmreak, “so we don’t know what this means for sure.” Dubmreak introduced legislation to designate Randy the Rattlesnake as the official February 2nd weather prognosticator for Arizona. The legislation was passed in emergency session.

“Problem is, rattlesnakes don’t have a shadow,” noted the Governor, “but irrationality and misinformation has never stopped the state legislature from passing stupid laws.”

Anti-groundhogites were thrilled at the news that Phoenix’s groundhog ended up beneath six inches of asphalt. “Maybe, in retribution, God will punish their progress-mad leaders and bury Phoenix under 3 feet of snow,” commented Ned Budlight, local anti-groundhogite leader.

“More likely they’ll end up with 13 more years of summer,” quipped Joe King, our foreign correspondent and statutory agent.

Frightened Phoenix Chamber of Commerce officials frantically dug in the parking lot until well after dawn on the 1st, hoping that the groundhog could be found in time for the ceremony.
Wal-Mart officials were not amused at having their parking lot torn up.

“Using a rattlesnake as our February 2nd weather critter doesn’t send the right message out about Arizona,” explained Sonya Sellem, with the Phoenix Chamber. 

Phoenix, Arizona 2-Feb-2006 [JP]: “The rattlesnake appeared at dawn, and bit a television news anchor on the ankle. Film at 10. Memorial services for Phil were held in the parking lot.”

Every mile is two in winter. - George Herbert

Groundhog Day - think Spring! - Unknown

Keep calm and look for your shadow. - Unknown

I'm a rodent, not a meteorologist! - Punxsutawney Phil

Where does the white go when the snow melts? - Hugh Kieffer

Life is too short to live the same day twice. - Unknown

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

I remember when Groundhog Day was about groundhogs. - Unknown

The groundhog said six more weeks of winter so I ate him. - Wile E. Coyote

What if there was no tomorrow? There wasn't one today. - Unknown

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. - Doug Larson

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. - Anthony J. D'Angelo

No matter what happens tomorrow, for the rest of my life, I'm happy now. - Bill Murray

The groundhog is like most prophets - it delivers its prediction then disappears. - Bill Vaughan

If there's no coffee, I'm not getting up. Make Groundhog Day just better. - ethicalbean

Groundhog's Day. Causing meteorologists to question their self worth for centuries. - Unknown

I wake up every day, right here, right in Punxsutawney, and it's always February 2nd. - Bill Murray

People tend to mistake Groundhog Day. It's not important. It's just important fun. - Mike Johnston

Let's get an extended weather forecast from a jittery, inconsistent, reddish brown rodent. - Unknown

There's one good thing about snow: it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. - Clyde Moore

It's not my fault I was dragged out of my house by a mob and forced to predict the weather. - Punxsutawney Phil

I think every day is Groundhog's Day. I get to learn from my mistakes and be better every day. - Ashton Kutcher

To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. - George Santayana

What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing you did mattered? - Bill Murray

'Groundhog Day' was one of the greatest scripts ever written. It didn't even get nominated for an Academy Award. - Bill Murray

The only thing more depressing than another six weeks of winter would be having to spend them in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. - Unknown

Sometimes I feel like a groundhog. I wish that every time I saw my workplace I could just go down the hole and go off to sleep. - Sherry Bane

Don't knock the weather. Nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. - Kin Hubbard

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it, and wrong too often for us to rely on it. - Patrick Young

To wish to be young again and to have the benefit of one's learned and acquired existence is not at all to wish for a repeat performance, or a Groundhog Day. - Christopher Hitchens

What we need is an eagle day instead of a groundhog day. We need to look up to the skies and learn to fly high rather than get depressed and go down a hole to sleep. - Rosy Lou

Here's a little groundhog furry and brown
He's coming up to look around;
If he sees his shadow, down he'll go
Then six more weeks of winter, OH NO! - Unknown

While somewhere in Philadelphia his distant cousin Phil is concerned about whether or not there will be six more weeks of winter, the Honey Badger rests comfortably in the knowledge that there will certainly be fifty-one more weeks of not giving a crap. - Honey Badger Day

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