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Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Window Shopping: Eye browsing - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
The longer the title, the less important the job. - George McGovern
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. - Bill Murray
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
Diploma: 1. Da man dat fixes your pipes; 2. A job-hunting license. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
A manager is responsible for the application and performance of knowledge. - Peter F Drucker
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
The closest I ever came to perfection was when I filled out a job application. - Phil Callaway
Ignore the naysayers. Really the only option is, head down and focus on the job. - Chris Pine
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray
When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar
It's all right to be afraid. You just don't let it stop you from doing your job. - Jim Butcher
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
Leadership does not mean getting people to do their job. It means getting people to do their best. - Unknown
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne
If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. We stretch puberty out a long, long time. - Toni Morrison
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
The longer the title, the less important the job. - George McGovern
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. - Bill Murray
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
Diploma: 1. Da man dat fixes your pipes; 2. A job-hunting license. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
A manager is responsible for the application and performance of knowledge. - Peter F Drucker
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
The closest I ever came to perfection was when I filled out a job application. - Phil Callaway
Ignore the naysayers. Really the only option is, head down and focus on the job. - Chris Pine
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray
When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar
It's all right to be afraid. You just don't let it stop you from doing your job. - Jim Butcher
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
Leadership does not mean getting people to do their job. It means getting people to do their best. - Unknown
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne
If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. We stretch puberty out a long, long time. - Toni Morrison
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