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Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Eyebrows: What I do when I go shopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. - Francis Bacon
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job. - James Joyce
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. - Donald Trump
You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
Steve Jobs changed my life. He also changed the life of every designer. - Yves Behar
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. - Oscar Wilde
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf
The closest I ever came to perfection was when I filled out a job application. - Phil Callaway
The way to tell if your job is done: if you're alive, you've got a job. - Richard Bach
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
If you are in the job for glamour, you're in for the shock of your life. The media is a huge shark pool. - Trisha Goddard
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
Executives owe it to the organization and to their fellow workers not to tolerate nonperforming individuals in important jobs. - Peter F Drucker
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. - Francis Bacon
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job. - James Joyce
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. - Donald Trump
You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
Steve Jobs changed my life. He also changed the life of every designer. - Yves Behar
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. - Oscar Wilde
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf
The closest I ever came to perfection was when I filled out a job application. - Phil Callaway
The way to tell if your job is done: if you're alive, you've got a job. - Richard Bach
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
If you are in the job for glamour, you're in for the shock of your life. The media is a huge shark pool. - Trisha Goddard
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
Executives owe it to the organization and to their fellow workers not to tolerate nonperforming individuals in important jobs. - Peter F Drucker
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
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