Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Shopping is my cardio. - Carrie Bradshaw
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
No man ever listened himself out of a job. - Calvin Coolidge
Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. - Aristotle
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
Leanardo De Cappuccino: Founder, coffee shop chain - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy. - James Goldsmith
Pre-Law: The major of a person who will end up in sales - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. - Henry Ford
If you are prepared, you will be confident, and will do the job. - Tom Landry
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better. - Steve Jobs
Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss. - Unknown
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. - John Kenneth Galbraith
I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf
Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson
If someone's not attacking you that means you're not doing your job effectively. - Sean Hannity
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have. - Unknown
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
How would you like a job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo? - Jacques Plante
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
People shop and learn in a whole new way compared to just a few years ago, so marketers need to adapt or risk extinction. - Brian Halligan
I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. - Sam Donaldson
Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. We stretch puberty out a long, long time. - Toni Morrison