Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Shopping is my cardio. - Carrie Bradshaw
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter F Drucker
A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss. - Unknown
Steve Jobs changed my life. He also changed the life of every designer. - Yves Behar
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. - Oscar Wilde
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
My uncle is in trouble with his union. They caught him working on the job. - Joey Adams
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. - John Kenneth Galbraith
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't in on that particular job. - Brian Clough
If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
It's against all of our policies for an application to ever share information with advertisers. - Mark Zuckerberg
To me, job titles don't matter. Everyone is in sales. It's the only way we stay in business. - Harvey Mackay
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
He had a sense of irony that ruled his life, made it impossible for him to use his considerable brains in any kind of serious job. Kind of like me. - Neal Stephenson