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Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
He's done an amazing job. - Donald Trump
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson
The longer the title, the less important the job. - George McGovern
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. - Francis Bacon
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy. - James Goldsmith
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. - Donald Trump
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job. - Zig Ziglar
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
The number one job facing the middle class... a three-letter word, jobs, J-O-B-S. - Joe Biden
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
A lot of people feel very good about Mitt Romney and I think he's going to do a great job. - Donald Trump
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
To me, job titles don't matter. Everyone is in sales. It's the only way we stay in business. - Harvey Mackay
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
Too often, sales reps simply regurgitate their presentations and expect to land the sale. It doesn't work. - Harvey Mackay
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson
The longer the title, the less important the job. - George McGovern
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. - Francis Bacon
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy. - James Goldsmith
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. - Donald Trump
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job. - Zig Ziglar
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
The number one job facing the middle class... a three-letter word, jobs, J-O-B-S. - Joe Biden
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
A lot of people feel very good about Mitt Romney and I think he's going to do a great job. - Donald Trump
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
To me, job titles don't matter. Everyone is in sales. It's the only way we stay in business. - Harvey Mackay
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
Too often, sales reps simply regurgitate their presentations and expect to land the sale. It doesn't work. - Harvey Mackay
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
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