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Wal-Mart Job Application

What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
Wal-Mart Job Application thanks to Bill Burgess

NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.

QuotaBills
Shopping is my cardio. - Carrie Bradshaw

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle

Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving

Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.

The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt

Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera

The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes

There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter F Drucker

A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss. - Unknown

Steve Jobs changed my life. He also changed the life of every designer. - Yves Behar

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. - Oscar Wilde

Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius

The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell

My uncle is in trouble with his union. They caught him working on the job. - Joey Adams

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. - John Kenneth Galbraith

The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking

I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield

Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears

They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't in on that particular job. - Brian Clough

If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson

If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright

It's against all of our policies for an application to ever share information with advertisers. - Mark Zuckerberg

To me, job titles don't matter. Everyone is in sales. It's the only way we stay in business. - Harvey Mackay

If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan

If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk

The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks

You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter

In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena

There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas

He had a sense of irony that ruled his life, made it impossible for him to use his considerable brains in any kind of serious job. Kind of like me. - Neal Stephenson


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