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Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job. - James Joyce
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. - Cary Grant
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. - Chris Roberson
On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job. - Lou Holtz
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners. - Albert Camus
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything. You job is to pump blood, that's it. - Unknown
Leadership does not mean getting people to do their job. It means getting people to do their best. - Unknown
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
I had a job selling hearing aids from door to door. It wasn't easy, because your best prospects never answered. - Bob Monkhouse
Trust God for the impossible - miracles are His department. Our job is to do our best, letting the Lord do the rest. - David Jeremiah
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
Executives owe it to the organization and to their fellow workers not to tolerate nonperforming individuals in important jobs. - Peter F Drucker
I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. - Sam Donaldson
Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A leader is not an administrator who loves to run others, but someone who carries water for his people, so that they can get on with their jobs. - Robert Townsend
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job. - James Joyce
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. - Cary Grant
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. - Chris Roberson
On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job. - Lou Holtz
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners. - Albert Camus
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything. You job is to pump blood, that's it. - Unknown
Leadership does not mean getting people to do their job. It means getting people to do their best. - Unknown
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
I had a job selling hearing aids from door to door. It wasn't easy, because your best prospects never answered. - Bob Monkhouse
Trust God for the impossible - miracles are His department. Our job is to do our best, letting the Lord do the rest. - David Jeremiah
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
Executives owe it to the organization and to their fellow workers not to tolerate nonperforming individuals in important jobs. - Peter F Drucker
I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. - Sam Donaldson
Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A leader is not an administrator who loves to run others, but someone who carries water for his people, so that they can get on with their jobs. - Robert Townsend
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
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