Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
First get the job; then get the job done. - Unknown
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Step aside Coffee. This is a job for Alcohol. - Unknown
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. - Cary Grant
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better. - Steve Jobs
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job. - Lou Holtz
Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf
The closest I ever came to perfection was when I filled out a job application. - Phil Callaway
Ignore the naysayers. Really the only option is, head down and focus on the job. - Chris Pine
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson
It's all right to be afraid. You just don't let it stop you from doing your job. - Jim Butcher
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. - Harry S Truman
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
I have a great, great company. I employ thousands of people. And I'm very proud of the job I did. - Donald Trump
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
You can retire from a job, but don't ever retire from making extremely meaningful contributions in life. - Stephen Covey
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne
The person who knows "how" will always have a job.
The person who knows "why" will always be his boss. - Diane Ravitch
Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. We stretch puberty out a long, long time. - Toni Morrison