Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
No man ever listened himself out of a job. - Calvin Coolidge
Acting is everybody's favorite second job. - Jack Nicholson
Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. - Aristotle
The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. - Bill Murray
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Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter F Drucker
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job. - Zig Ziglar
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking
Marketers need to build digital relationships and reputation before closing a sale. - Chris Brogan
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
Comedy's a funny game, it's not a job, it's a vocation - you never stop. - Eric Sykes
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy
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Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
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Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. - Amanda Eliasch
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A leader is not an administrator who loves to run others, but someone who carries water for his people, so that they can get on with their jobs. - Robert Townsend
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. We stretch puberty out a long, long time. - Toni Morrison