#1 humor site on the 'net

Secret For A Long, Happy Life

Learning to deal with stress

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step. “I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?”

“I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all.”

Secret For A Long, Happy Life thanks to Henry Archibald

A lifetime of whiskey

“This is absolutely amazing at your age!” says the passer-by. “How old are you?”

“Twenty four.”

QuotaBills
Old age comes at a bad time. - Sue Banducci

I love peace more than life. - John Wilkes Booth

The secret of life is in art. - Oscar Wilde

The painting has a life of its own. - Jackson Pollock

Life is an adventure in forgiveness. - Norman Cousins

Tea is a religion of the art of life. - Okakura Kakuzo

In married life three is company and two is none. - Oscar Wilde

Treasure your relationships, not your possessions. - Anthony J. D'Angelo

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. - Pat Conroy

Biography is the mesh through which real life escapes. - Tom Stoppard

Life is a dance. Mindfulness is witnessing that dance. - Amit Ray

Sleep... the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. - WC Fields

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved. - Victor Hugo

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. - Charlie Chaplin

Middle age begins with the first mortgage and ends when you drop dead. - Herb Caen

What would life be without coffee? But then, what is it even with coffee? - King Louis XV

Take every chance you get in life, because some things only happens once. - Unknown

I phoned my Dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. - Steven Pearl

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. - Sharon Stone

When you are tough on yourself, life is going to be infinitely easier on you. - Zig Ziglar

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. - George Burns

When you start recognising that you're having fun, life can be delightful. - Jane Birkin

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau

We live very close together. So, our prime purpose in this life is to help others. - Dalai Lama

Love and respect are the most important aspects of parenting, and of all relationships. - Jodie Foster

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. - Tom Lehrer

I like ice hockey. No one is ever going to ask me to write about that as a metaphor for life. - Steven Pinker

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - Maya Angelou

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. - George Bernard Shaw

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. - Ogden Nash

The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson

I think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously. - Kelly Ripa

The key to a better life isn't always a change of scenery. Sometimes it simply requires opening your eyes. - Richelle E. Goodrich

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer. - Clement Freud

I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 18. I didn't know what it was, so I went to the library and looked it up. - Ron Santo

The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything. - Robert Frost

It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live. - Mae Jemison

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein

Life is made up of a series of judgments on insufficient data, and if we waited to run down all our doubts, it would flow past us. - Learned Hand

All my life, I have been a celebrant of Halloween. For me, it is the most important day of the year, the turning point in the old pagan calendar. - John Burnside


Lucky Spectator

Breadlace

I Think I'll Hold It

Instant Coffee Tragedy

Cow Camouflage

Room For Two

Neandertallica

Key-o-Saurus

Pure Maple Syrup

Dentist Drill

Wife Consumption

Dog Proctologist

Vintage Birth Control

Used Cows For Sale

Stylish Butcher

Greek Financial Path

God Gives Restaurant

Rubik's Cube Puzzle-Meant

Modern Printing Press

Frequent FlyHair

Geek Breakfast

Art School Graduate

Maid Confusion

Stowaway Soccer Fan