#1 humor site on the 'net

Newfie Riding Lawn Mower

Looking After Your Wife: Special Treat for Her on Mother's Day

Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my deck, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Doris from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted, “You lazy *&!#$%^&@! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your backside and give her a break!”
I thought “Goodness! Women!” and I took a swig from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips and stared directly at this nosey neighbour and told her in no uncertain terms, “Bugger off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening.”
After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.
Newfie Riding Lawn Mower thanks to Roy Taylor

Buying only the best to help the wife cut the lawn

Yes guys, after all, we should take good care of our wives. That way maybe they will take good care of us.
I know - I'm too soft with her. She'll probably want gears on it next!

QuotaBills
Mamogram: A telegram to Mom - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

As is the mother, so is her daughter. - Bible

Ignorance is the mother of admiration. - George Chapman

Diligence is the mother of good fortune. - Benjamin Disraeli

Getting caught is the mother of invention. - Robert Byrne

I got 99 donuts 'cause my Mom ate one. - Unknown

A child's first teacher is its mother. - Peng Liyuan

I know how to do anything - I'm a mom. - Roseanne Barr

I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. - Unknown

Inner silence is the mother of all talents. - Ravi Shankar

You trust your mother, but you cut the cards. - Unknown

Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey

My mom had a very difficult childhood. My childhood. - Cindy Marzahn

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate. - Unknown

A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. - Emily Dickinson

The titular head... that's the mother, ain't it? - Archie Bunker

Air pollution is turning Mother Nature prematurely gray. - Irv Kupcinet

Life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a mother. - Unknown

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey

I got to grow up with a mother who taught me to believe in me. - Antonio Villaraigosa

Modern Mother: One who worries if her daughter gets in too early - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

Cooking certain dishes, like roast pork, reminds me of my mother. - Maya Angelou

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - George Carlin

My mother was my role model before I even knew what that word was. - Lisa Leslie

Mother is a verb. It's something you do. Not just who you are. - Dorothy C Fisher

If I didn't have you as a mom, I'd choose you as a friend. - Unknown

I know enough to know that when you're in a pickle... call Mom. - Jennifer Garner

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. - Unknown

My grandmother took a bath every year, whether she was dirty or not. - Brendan Behan

Be kind to your mother-in-law but pay for her board at some good hotel. - Josh Billings

No one else, ever, will think you're great the way your mother does. - Mary Matalin

There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx

The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation. - James E Faust

Grandmother, as she gets older, is not fading, but becoming more concentrated. - Paulette Alden

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher

Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it nothing great was ever achieved. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My mom always said, "You'd rather have smile lines than frown lines." - Cindy Crawford

My mother is no spring chicken although she has got as many chemicals in her as one. - Edna Everage

You know you're a mom when you understand why mama bear's porridge was cold. - Jody Defries

Mother is the heartbeat in the home; and without her, there seems to be no heart throb. - Leroy Brownlow

A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt. - Woodrow Wilson

Once you're a mom, you're always a mom. It's like riding a bike, you never forget. - Taraji P Henson

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother. - Claudette Colbert

Said the daughter: "I don't have to help my Mom with the housework. She knows how." - Unknown

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. - Abraham Lincoln

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta

If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. - Booker T. Washington

Drunk Man: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could." - Dorothy Parker

You know you're a mom when you go to the store for yourself and come out with a bag of things for your kids. - Unknown

I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick. - Sarah Palin

I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother. - Martin Sheen

There is an endearing tenderness in the love of a mother to a son that transcends all other affections of the heart. - Washington Irving

My mother reads the obituary page every day, but she could never understand how people always die in alphabetical order. - Frank Carson

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed. - Linda Wooten

Over the years, I learned so much from mom. She taught me about the importance of home and history and family and tradition. - Martha Stewart

I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized that to many people he is not a sex symbol, but a mother image. - David Bowie

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look 'like a tramp' - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark ... to have been loved so deeply ... will give us some protection forever. - J K Rowling

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible." - WC Fields

Education commences on the mother's knee, and every word spoken within hearsay of little children tends toward the formation of character. - Hosea Ballou

Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren

Chutzpa is that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. - Leo Rosten


Robot Hood

New Nail Gun

Breakthrough - Second Wind

Burma Road Cycling

Water Waste Basket

My Daughter and My Money

Executive Decision Time

Animal Rings

Cow Return

Biggest Fan On The Block

Senior's TV Tray

Potty 'Train'ing In India

A Woman Named Five Horses

Vegan Dentist

How To Conserve Gas

Rolling Shoes

How Twins Are Made

Cool Reading Room

Poor Lifetime

Be GarFul

Tooth Ferry

Ready For Rabbits

Ecosystem

Plumber's Night Light